Friday, December 31, 2004

groovy girls night

I woke up this morning with a mild headache, very sore knees and a developing blister on the ball of my left foot. A had a night on the town with six girlfriends at a hip newish venue. The Red Maple is a groovin' classy tappas lounge with delicious food and drink and desserts worth every extra calorie. After 9:30 or so, it was a little too loud to converse with anyone who wasn't directly infront of or next to me, as the music began to get faster and people started to crowd the bar. So we got the party started on the dance floor. The d.j. was mixing up some Persian, Indian, hiphop blends which takes a little getting use to, but if anyone is unsure of how to move to this beat, you can take cues from the Bollywood musicals projected on the far wall of the courtyard. (Very funny to watch-people on the dance floor were also amusing) There were several moments when I thought it would be fun to draw this depiction of social ritual, perhaps I may try that sometime.

Upon discussing the previous nights hits and misses with my good friend, we wondered why is it that the less desirable guys are the ones with guts enough to "move in" on the dance floor, especially since they are certain of repeated rejection?

Tuesday, December 28, 2004

Why I hate New Year's Eve

I guess it started as a teenager, my romantic notions for what New Year's Eve celebrations should be like. Perhaps I watched too many Fred and Ginger, Jimmy Stewart, Cary Grant, Katherine Hepburn and Audrey Hepburn movies during those impressionable years. I think when I was fourteen or fifteen I had my first big New Year's disappointment (staying home watching the ball drop on t.v. while everyone else in my family had parties to go to), and it hasn't really improved ever since. There is just too much pressure to "start the year off right," and for some reason I have bought into that notion that you can't be asleep when the calendar changes so I am usually sleep deprived when the year begins. I have certainly had some that were less disappointing than others, and those were the years where I had absolutely no expectations what-so-ever. So that is my New Year's resolution: no expectations for New Year's Eve. I might even be able to keep this one--usually I make the same resolution every year, and that is to floss every day.

I don't even consider Jan 1 the beginning of the year, anyway. As a student (and former student), teacher (and former wife of a teacher), and now mother of a school age child, my year has always "begun" in September, for as long as I can remember. That is how time is marked in my mind - the year is a big elipse, with September at one end.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Darn you, Blogger!

Yes, I'm still here, just hangin' in. I have written two lengthy posts since my "Blahs" and Blogger has froze up on me and lost them. So, I am just writing briefly to say that I survived my first single-mom Christmas, but just barely. It has been a hellish week, but there have been a few bright spots: spending time with family (immediate and extended), seeing some old friends from out-of-town, lots of chocolate, and fun presents to give and receive.

I think the dark clouds of holiday depression are lifting, but we still have New Year's, and that is my least favorite holiday of them all (more on that later.)

I hope all of you bloggers, and readers are enjoying your time with family and friends, time off work and are able to be quiet with the Lord now that the rush is over.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004


It would have been really nice to sleep all day today. Feeling the winter blahs. I still have some preparations (shopping) to do for Christmas, and of course more baking, but not today. M was supposed to have the kiddos for a few hours--my mental health break--but he "called in sick" and so no break for this tired momma. (I wish I could call in sick.)

Yesterday I woke at 6:30 with the baby, and after she went back to sleep, I decided to shower and get going with the day. It felt really good to be able to sit and read in those early quiet hours. I almost decided to do it everyday. Almost, until this morning. The bed was so warm and fluffy, and my eyelids were like lead. So I slept until the children were begging for breakfast and the disgruntled Stuntman was wanting "Byoo jeans" which were not yet dry from washing. He sat naked on the floor for about ten minutes complaining and then dug out a pair from the hamper and after that he seemed much better. (God forbid he stay in his comfy p.j.'s an extra hour until his pants were dry--that' s what I always do.)

Generally feeling blah, sort of sad, mostly tired and somewhat overwhelmed with all the responsibility today. This is supposed to get easier, right? (Please send hugs.)

Monday, December 20, 2004

Art taxi

Last night my friend, Gordon, called with a favor to ask. He needed some help transporting some of his paintings to local radio station for an exhibit. I think I was his last hope, I know he wouldn't have called me first. Anyway, I was glad to put my minivan to good use in supporting a local starving artist, so I said "of course". While driving all over downtown Baltimore, I saw several more of the "Evacuation Route" signs. Funny, I never had noticed them before, and now I am seeing them all over. I wonder how many millions of dollars went into that campaign? To be perfectly honest, anyone who can't find their way to a main artery leading out of the city shouldn't be in the city in the first place. I am no geographical wizard, I may get lost going into the city, but I sure as hell know how to find my out!

Saturday, December 18, 2004

Feeling very productive

Last night I constructed two pairs of little boy's pajamas. I used cute white knit fabric with locomotives all over them that I purchased from my favorite online fabric store. It has become sort of a tradition to give the boys pajamas (made by moi) on Christmas. This fabric has been sitting around for almost a year (maybe longer) so it is about time they get made. I am feeling warm, pleasing sensations of satisfaction-or perhaps that is the wine. I have finished most of my shopping, although I still have some things to make, and I have all the gifts I purchased wrapped already. It's been a good day. I celebrate this day with a nice bottle of Luna di Luna given to me by a friend (it comes in a fabulous blue bottle which I happen to collect, so it is a double gift) and some chicken, broccoli and pasta with a lemon-garlic-cream sauce- YUM! - cheers!

Joyella's Chocolate Walnut Tart gets rave reviews...

The pastry chef strikes again...

Today at the WOW luncheon, hosted by Helen, women oohed and ahhed over Joyella's delicious Chocolate Walnut Tart. "It's my secret weapon," she said when asked what makes this tart so special. "I think the combination of caramel, walnuts and chocolate are enough to drive anyone into oblivion. Using real vanilla beans in the caramel is the clincher."

While the cat's away...

Over at Rae's blog, some crazy stuff is going on... She has some guest bloggers while she is away, and it is like a party going on over there. Randy's bits are highly entertaining.

Friday, December 17, 2004

Please interpret:

"You are a swirly kind of person." This statement arose out of someone viewing my artwork, but I was wondering how others might interpret this statement. (I happen to think it is absolutely true, by the way, I just don't know exactly what it means.)

Oh, and I am disappointed that no one had any ideas thus far on the "Evacuation Route". That could have been a fun, creative excersize.

Christmas came a little early

While I was away last weekend, the auto fairy came and serviced my car. My little minivan got a nice long drink of fresh oil, new wiper blades, four new tires, wheel alignment, and a few other things I know not what they are. This was one of those gifts that you daren't ask for, know you need, and hope that the money will magically appear to get it all taken care of. Wow, the green machine is running smooth and much more safely now. Thanks auto fairy! I love you too.

Thursday, December 16, 2004

I am so proud

Proud of myself that is. My computer graphics teacher used to get such a kick out of me, because it didn't take much to thrill me in computer lab. I was always so pleased with myself when I learned a new skill, like cut and paste, or drag and click, I even learned how to overlap figures and do very, very basic animation. I still have the Apple IIGS floppy with my projects on it, but it is all obsolete now-not that I even have an Apple to work on. But look at me linking like it's nobody's business....
::::making a big cheesy grin of self-satisfaction::::

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Computers, love 'em or leave 'em

In middle school, I decided that computers were evil. The spawn of Satan himself.
In my seventh grade math class we had this computer unit, where we learned how to write a very, I mean very simple program. The program was supposed to give the comp instructions on how to make the screen appear in one color with our initials in block letters in another color. Mine looked like.... well, the J was right, and the R was half right, and the S was all screwed up. It was then, in my frustration that I decided that not only did I hate computers, but they hated me back.

In high school, my senior year, I decided that computers were going to be unavoidable, and so I should get more comfortable with them. So, I took a computer graphics class. This was so much better for me because it incorporated art (my strength) and I soon realized that you don't have to write programs for everything you do on a computer. Light bulb!

Many years passed before I was able to "go online" and "surf". It even took me several weeks before I could fully comprehend the concept of e-mail. But I am learning, and now that I "blog" I am finding that I enjoy my time on this machine. I even miss it when the Verizon goes kaput or when it was broken. I have not, however become a geek (nod and wink to Jeremy R. Gilby) by any means, in fact I think I am probably the polar opposite.

A little technical experiment in linkage

Okay, so I am trying to understand the next level of blogging. Linking up to other sites. I want to mention Quotidian Light post from November 22, 2004.
You may see if you visit there that one of my other lives includes pastry chef. Yesterday while baking bread, I remembered a little comment made not too long ago regarding this very thought. "You are not a pastry chef?" Well, I guess I am an amateur pastry chef/ baker/ extrordinaire... I have my first "job" on Christmas Eve. (To be perfectly honest, it isn't my first job, it is just my first since I have considered it a real possibility. I made a wedding cake about 7 years ago, and two years ago I made a huge and delicious -if-I-may-say-so-myself- 40th year anniversary cake for my folks, and that fed at least 50 people. And there have been other treats I have concocted at the request of others too, however only one other was for pay.)

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

Evacuation Route?

Several times each week I have to go up and down a portion on I-83 to deposit and collect my children. Upon returning (heading northbound away from the city) I always see this small white sign with a blue circle with the words "Evacuation Route" and an arrow pointing heavenward. What does this sign mean? Who is it for? Evacuate from here-to where? Are there more of these signs on other roads? Is this one of the security measures instituted post 911?

If you have any ideas, I want to hear them. Post, post, post. :)

Monday, December 13, 2004

Outside the box

I returned last night from Atlanta, nauseated, inflicted with a ferocious headache, and extreme fatigue. The good news is the baby was really good on the return flight and for that I am extremely grateful to God. I went right to bed, and slept in my own, sweet, comfy bed made up with fresh sheets. Ahhha. Woke up a new person, well almost. Collected my boys at 9a.m. and came home. They briefed me on all the fun they had, showed me all the pictures they drew (there were thousands of them), and then they went with their grandpa to get a Christmas tree. After lunch, the Artist and the Stuntman have been playing so contentedly together in their room. Perhaps they missed their toys, or they just need to unwind, I don't know. I rarely have Mondays this good, so I am not going to jinx it by asking too many questions. I just went in there to help them for a minute and saw what they were doing. They are playing with Playmobil, rubber frogs, two different parking garages (one Fisher Price, one Ikea), a work bench, an easel, and wooden trees from the Brio train set. I am not sure what they are reenacting, but they are having a blast. This is what toy companies do not account for. How children really play with their toys--they mix everything up. I love the creativity involved in genuine child's play, and I try to think through the various possibilities a toy has before purchasing it. This is my general rule: the more generic the toy, the more potential it has in play. Best bets are things like: blocks, legos and other building toys, little people, cars and trucks, dolls or action figures, toy dinosaurs and other animals, balls, string, paper, etc. There are a few toy companies that do "get it" and they are Hearth Song, Magic Cabin, and Cronstructive Playthings, and I am sure I am forgetting someone, but hence it is Christmas time and I am forgetting many things.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

Georgia on my mind

I am here in Atlanta, GA, visiting my sister. It has been a short visit, but a good one. She and her family are off to church, and I am here at the house letting Prettiness catch some zzzs. The flight down was one of the worst I have been on. L cried almost constantly from the time we entered BWI until we landed in Atlanta. Not only was she completely fussy, irritable and tired, but there was a lot of turbulance toward the end of the flight, which made me queasy and we had to circle the airport for an extra 30 minutes of flight time. So, it didn't go well, but we survived. I hope for better this evening when we head back.

It was so good to see my brother, he had flown all the way from Japan for a class on contemporary worship courtesy of the Air Force. Our time of all three sibs together was very short, but fun. We were able to catch up on some stories, and share some personal stuff, and just hang out together. My brother really wants me to visit them in Japan this summer.... I would love to go, so we are beginning to consider the possibilities. I had originally thought of taking little Prettiness with me, but after this horrendous three hour flight, I don't think I want to travel half-way around the world with her. I will have to make other arrangements... but I have time to think that through. Besides, she will be nearly two then, and won't need me as much.

Later today, we will go to the Festival of Trees here in Atlanta, as my three nephews will be singing in their choir there, and my big sis is the children's choir director. I have visited here several times, but have never been downtown, so I look forward to checking out the urban sights down here. More later....

Thursday, December 09, 2004

I'm leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again

Yes, tomorrow I fly south for the winter. Well, at least for the weekend. I'm going to see my sister, and brother as he has a layover in her town before he is off to his class in Alabama. It will be a short visit. I am taking Prettiness with me, and the Stuntman and the Artist will be with their dad for three days. They are very excited about that, I just hope M gets a little taste of what life is like for me, but he probably won't, because of course he will just have the two boys.

Wednesday, December 08, 2004

the stuntman and the artist

I have called my little baby girl "Prettiness" for this is what her name was before she had a proper one. Her oldest brother concocted this for her, he said, "Mommy, we could call her Prettiness and put ribbons in her hair," after we discovered we were having a girl. So it stuck, and we still do call her Prettiness from time to time. To maintain the anonymity of my children, I have come up with pseudonyms for them as well. The stuntman (D) is the four year old. The artist (K) is the five-going-on-twenty-year-old.

Today was a bit of a difficult day, the boys are getting stir-crazy, we haven't gone anywhere interesting because Prettiness has been so sick. This afternoon while I was changing her diaper, the boys came rushing in, both in tears-but not really real tears- and crying a little too loudly. (They needed some attention.) Well, it seems that the Stuntman had punched the Artist in the mouth, and the Artist was crying because this hurt his lip (small amount of blood as proof). The Stuntman was crying because, of course, he hurt his hand on the Artist's teeth! I burst out laughing when he told me this, and when I laughed about it so did he. What a faker! Anyway, he learned the important lesson that teeth hurt when you punch them.

Sigh.....Boys.....My bane and delight.

The pee-pee bandit

For the past few weeks, I have noticed, at times a small puddle on the floor next to the toilet. I had thought that perhaps the john was "sweating" and the condensation was just accumulating on the floor. Not so. The "water" had a foul stench. I confronted my two boys a few days ago, and they both said they didn't do it. Right...

Today the truth comes out. The little perp confessed to his crime, although I am not sure how to keep him from doing it anymore. He said, that the seat was down, and he didn't know it, ( I really am not sure how that makes it hit the floor --the seat deflected the flow of urine perhaps? being a girl, not experienced with the physics of this problem I can't be certain if this is a truthful statement ), and he was sorry (but he was grinning as he said this).

Hmm, well at least I know it isn't the plumbing, a cracked toilet or something else and I am very thankful for those disinfectant wipes.

Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Dragon Island

I have picked up reading "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" once again to the boys at their request. This is their favorite Narnian tale, and I am becoming more and more fond of it too. I had mentioned in a previous post how I feel like Eustace shedding his dragon scales. Tonight we read that chapter, and it gave me chills. I do feel like I am being peeled down to the tender skin underneath at times. I have had so many hard layers built up. You may not guess that to look at me, but it is true. I have a rebellious heart, and am confronted with it daily. The good I wish to do, I cannot, and the evil I do not wish to do, I do. I have been reflecting on Romans 7 and 8, to meditate on what it means to be free from sin, to live in the Spirit, and no longer be a slave to the law, as well as to desire obedience to God. Oh, there is so much work to be done in me. I have found comfort in the statement about Eustace after he was made back into a boy, that "...he began to be a different boy. He had relapses. There were still many days when he could be very tiresome...[but] the cure had begun."

Monday, December 06, 2004

fevers & coughs

Child #3 is now sick, and the other two are on the mend, but are still coughing. L has a fever and is like a wilted flower. She has slept most the day, and when she isn't sleeping, she just wants to to be held. I will admit, that is one part of having sick children that is kind of nice. These otherwise rambuctious, spritely children are so mellow and cuddly.


While lounging on the couch yesterday, I was very sleepy yesterday, D climbed up beside me and layed his head on my stomach. "I yike your squishy tummy, mommy," he said.
"What?" I asked, I didn't quite understand him, and was hoping he had said something nice.
"I yike your squishy tummy, mommy," he repeated.
"Oh, [blushing] thanks, I wish it wasn't so squishy, though," I said.
"Why?" he asked.
"Well, I don't think it looks very nice, it is all stretched out from having three babies in there, and I would like it to be more firm," I replied.
D thought for a second and said, "I yike it, it feels good and comfy." Right, just like a pillow. Not what I had in mind, but I have lost fifty pounds since L was born, and I think it is still coming off. I just tried on a little kilt this morning that didn't fit last month- well, I got it on, but not comfortably- and today, it fits! I suppose stress is good for something--weight loss.

Voila, c'est fini

The cheongsam top is now complete. It hangs gracefully in my closet, waiting for the right occasion to be slipped on. The only problem is, I don't think it matches anything else in my wardrobe other than jeans, with which it looks great, but I was hoping for a dressier alternative for it. So, it is back to work designing the perfect skirt to go with the top. I like this kind of problem, I am not complaining, it stretches my creative muscles, and helps to give me some artistic focus. Unfortunately this skirt ranks rather low on the "to do" list, with Christmas right around the corner, I have bunches of other projects I hope to finish in time...
...It does feel good to have at least one project done though, even if the pile of undone projects is towering over me, swaying in the wind.

Saturday, December 04, 2004


Okay, so I have noticed that other bloggers are having spam troubles, and I have so far not had such on my blog, but that is probably due to the fact that this is a little known blog. Anyhow, I have been spammed a lot via email, maybe this sounds familiar:

Dear so-in-so, I am some anonymous foreigner with some various legal injustices, blah, blah, blah... You send me money and I will double/triple/whatever... when I win my trial.... keep this confidential....etc.

Anyone else getting these? Something very fishy about it.

Wednesday, December 01, 2004

A blustery day

Happy December! On this fine day, the wind is whipping up a frenzy of leaves and branches. Even schools in my county were closed an hour early today because there have been so many power outages. I just heard four very loud pops, which could mean some transformers just went down close by, or someone is illegally deer hunting in the woods.

I missed WOW for the third week in a row, and this time it is because D and K are coughing, D has a fever too, but that could be related to some vaccinations he had last week. Anyhow, we did venture out briefly to Target to get our fake Christmas tree. I am personally opposed to fake trees, I mean really what is the point? But since I am a singlemom with a very curious toddler this Christmas, I decided to go the easy route, and bought a little two-foot high prelit fiber optic tree. I must admit it is cute, and it is sort of mesmirizing watching it change colors, but I do like the natural fresh pine scent from a real tree. I also like how it makes the whole room glow at night. Oh, well, maybe next year, when I am a little more confident that L won't eat the ornaments, or take them all off the lowest branches. I will probably have to wait until the boys are much bigger and brawnier to cut down our own tree, which is my very most favorite way to go about obtaining our tannenbaum.

Getting ready for Christmas feels weird this year. Last year, two days before the Nativity, M announced to me that he no longer loved me. Kind of put a damper on the Holiday, you know. This year, as I am putting up decor, I came across the stockings I had made. I wondered what to do with the one I made for him. I like it, it looks nice, but I left it in the box. K asked me where daddy's stocking was, and I said, "Well, daddy doesn't live here," and he said, "Oh, right." And that was the end of it. I have however, been told several times by the boys that daddy wants cigars for Christmas, and various other items. It has been our little tradition that the boys give M cigars and give me chocolate for Christmas. I don't really care to keep this one. I couldn't care less if M gives me anything, but it may feel important to the kids... Maybe there are extra carcinogenic ones I could buy....Evil, I know....

Sunday, November 28, 2004

November Foliage

How appropos that I choose "November Foliage" as the paint color for my living room? It is a deep chocolatey brown, and I just want to lick the whole wall when I have a chocolate craving. Like the crazy "J" that I am, I stayed up until 3am finishing painting, putting a book shelf together and trying to bring some order to my living room last night. This was not a wise thing to do. I missed out on church because D slept in until 9 and L went down for an a.m. nap shortly after that. I didn't get enough sleep, so I am rather grumpy now, but the room looks good. The brown complements all the light robin's egg blue accents I have in there, as well as the wood tones. TT also just gave me two fabulous pillows from the fabric printing place where she works, and they match perfectly!

As for the kinderen while I was away... they did just fine. I secretly hoped that L would give her father a little more difficulty in the night, just so he could feel what it is like for a change. But I am glad for her sake that she only woke once, which is usual for her. However, she wouldn't take a bottle for him, (she took one fine for me the morning I left) but she also didn't lack for food and drink. And my little men are used to being away for me for that long, so it was no biggie for them

Saturday, November 27, 2004

Philly, Vietnam, and Bridget Jones

I just got back from my twenty-six hour leave. I had a wonderful visit with my long-time (of eightteen years!), we had some good conversation on our long drive. I spaced out, and so missed our exit, and then we decided to take the back roads to make it up instead of backtracking on I95, which disturbed our conversational flow somewhat since we had to pay better attention to the roads we were on or looking for, etc. Anyway, we got there, and her place is... well, it is.... in need of much work, but I definitely see the potential. We were grossly disturbed by the odor as we entered. Apparently Toby, her cat, has been having some urinary trouble, and since the whole house is in construction induced disarray, he was probably stressed and felt the need to communicate that stress on the floor. Yuck! I like cats, but I hate that smell. It is so disgusting.

So we decided to go to Vietnam for dinner. I, never having Vietnamese food before, let TT take the lead and recommend a dish for me. I don't remember the Vietnamese name for what I had, but thought it wise to stick with something on the menu labeled "house specialty" (good principal in general). It was a giant bowl of vermicelli noodles and bean sprouts and other fresh veggies and several different meats on top. There is also a sauce that smells like stinky feet, but tastes delicious when poured over the noodles. We drank fancy tropical drinks, I had the Mai Tai, and she the Suffering Bastard. A very delicious meal indeed. I had never know Vietnam was so close... and that it is in China town...weird. So after that we went to this mod martini bar, which was styled like a diner and very cool and hip. My favorite design details were how the bar stools looked like cross-sections of stuffed olives, and the lights over the booths were giant olives with toothpicks in them. We sipped on our chocolate martini and cosmo, until our movie was about to start and then headed to the Ritz. I could tell this was a chichi movie theater because in the candy case they had Black Rhino Bars (yum), Lindt bars, and other fancy candies as well as fancy teas, coffees, scones, etc. I guess it is called Ritz for a reason. Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason, wow, it was much funnier, I thought, than the first one, and TT and I were roaring in laughter with the rest of the crowd at several parts. I think the best part is when Mark Darcy and Daniel Cleaver have a very prissy fist fight--that was hilarious.

I got to sleep in, and didn't wake naturally until eight a.m. a whole hour later than usual! But TT and I lazed in bed and stared at the dust swirling in the sunbeam above and chatted for almost two hours before we got up and out. Had a big, fat Belgian waffle with fresh fruit and bacon for my noon breakfast. It was so delightful to have a leisurely morning and yummy cafe vittles. The drive home was full of thoughts, things that have been weighing on my mind, good think time, although I can't say that I came to any real conclusions, but it was good to hear myself think.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

Food, Family, Friends (and some total strangers)

This was the first year in many that I was able to enjoy sitting at my parents' table for the traditional family feast. Every year there has been some felt tension about where we (M and kids and I) would eat the meal-his family or mine, and would we go to both homes or just one. The choice was very easy to make this year, and I felt no guilt whatsoever. There were 12 around the table, including my munchkins, and three individuals whom I met for the first time tonight. Some "strays" from church that were unable to go home this year. My oldest friend, TT was there with her folks, and tomorrow we head north- to Philly. Yay!

I am leaving all three children in their father's care while I spend a day with TT. I will get to see her new-old house, that is in the process of major redo, and have some quality female bonding. I am a little aprehensive leaving L overnight, because she is not yet weaned, but she also doesn't need to nurse for nutritional purposes, it is only for comfort at this point. I have never left her overnight before. I think the longest I was away from her was a whole afternoon-maybe six hours. So this is a big deal for me. When D was this age, I made a similar trip, and he faired just fine. It will be fine. Sure, fine.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Art Therapy II

Last night I took out the pastels and charcoal and went to it once again. This time to the backdrop of Nick Drake's meloncholy crooning. Twice while drawing I burst into tears, I don't know why, once a tear droped to the paper and smeared the chalk. I didn't feel particularly sad, just full, like I was emptying myself on to the paper, and it was costing me something. I just drew (from my head-not life) and this is what happened on the paper:

A self-portrait (suggested- an ambiguous female, that sort of resembles moi) to the shoulders, face and eyes cast semi-downward-closed eyes? My face is rosey and smooth, my hair is down-resting on my shoulders, a very ominous shadow is cast on my neck, almost gripping it. I am wearing blue and purple. To the right is a great tree looming up, extending branches over my head and off the page to the right, and casting a shadow beneath me. The branches are mostly bare. A few orange and yellow leaves are dangling, it is fall. To the left of me, the leaves have accumulated and three are still falling. There are cumulous clouds billowing around my head and swirling the leaves that are suspended in mid-air. Blue sky is on the horizon, and just beginning to break overhead.

So you tell me, what is it all about? I have my own interpretation, but would like to hear yours.

Monday, November 22, 2004

Art therapy

I have always thought of myself as an even-tempered, generally patient, mostly calm person....
But every so often, I just lose it. In the past ten years, it probably has only happened a handful of times. This phenomenon is referred to by the psychological profession as "leaking". I am not quite sure why "leaking" is the term, when it actually feels more like bursting or exploding, but this is what they call it. It is the result of "unresolved or old anger" and the reason it is unresolved or old, I am guessing, is because it is left inside and not expressed in some way or another.

Friday night, I drew a very surreal landscape. I had been advised to draw more, because as an "I" (introvert) this is how I process things, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I didn't know what to draw, so I just started "doodling" on this huge sheet of paper (props to Tree :) , and it evolved into a kind of landscape. When I am not drawing from life/observation, my images tend to get surreal. This influence I attibute to Dali and Munch (even though he is an abstract expressionist-my work sometimes mocks his style and/or mood). So after I was finished, I stepped back and looked at what I had done... Tree analyzed it for me, and I came up with another interpretation which built on that one. Needless to say it has much to do with my present situation, and it is too personal for me to write at any length here, but the effect was great.

The next day I dreamed. In this dream, it all came crashing down, exploding from me with such force that I was surprised to be whole at the end of it all. I ranted, and screamed and hollered and wailed and cried and waved my arms and pounded my fists in such a fury at M, and he was nonplussed. There was no getting through to him, hardened like a wall of clay, (which I guess will one day come crumbling down). Anyway, it was such a relief to dream this outburst, because it helped me to see my own rage, and feel the benefit of letting it all out without hurting anyone. I think the drawing opened this up for me, so perhaps I do need to draw more. I aim to.

Friday, November 19, 2004

"Baby-shaped" diapers

I just bought a new package of Huggies, and apparently they are improved...
...they claim they are "baby-shaped". Now I ask, pray tell, what shape were they before?

L has the worst rash EVER, but she is a trooper. Has had a rough spell of diarreah, and threw up last night on her very-most-speacial-blanket. Boy, am I glad she got that flu vaccine. *I say with sarcasm*

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

She's on a roll

Last night the sink was loaded with dishes and I fully intended on washing them after I tucked the boys in...
...I promptly fell asleep on the top bunk with K, and woke an hour later. Not quite in the mood to wash dishes, and late enough for me to rationalize going to bed, I did. Guess who didn't wake me all night?! That's right little miss prettiness, herself. This is the third time in a week, and I am estactic about it. Hooray! It does mean that she wakes earlier in the morning, but that gave me some time to wash up those nasty dishes before both boys were conscious and begging for food.

Now all I need to do is train D to stop coming in bed with me in the middle of the night and digging his boney knees and feet into my back. Ouch! He tries to get so close, he is practically under me when I wake in the morning. I find myself waking several times in the night to push him away, or push his knees away, and he creeps right back. His comfort thing to do is play with my hair, which even though my hair is long, it still requires him to be close to reach it. I have thought of cutting off a chunk and fastening it to his bed post, but that just is kind of creepy. It has been suggested I get him a manequin head or something--also too creepy. The point of it is, he likes my hair, and that is what comforts him when he has a bad dream or can't fall back to sleep. So I am flattered and yet frustrated that I can't get a full night of uninterrrupted sleep. Perhaps when they all go away to college...

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Saturday, November 13, 2004

wishes do come true

I am so proud of myself today. Today I got my internet up and running all by myself. It only took three or five tries, and it finally worked. I let go of my defeatest attitude, that I am not computer savvy, and tried one last time this morning to install the Linksys connecter thingy for my DSL line. For some odd reason, it didn't work the first few times, and I had to manually install some of the components, and I am not even sure why it worked, but I am so pleased that it did. My computer has just had a frankensteinlike harddrive swap with another compatible comp, so all seems to be well thus far...knock on wood.

I must say that many of the things I had hoped and wished for on my birthday have come true, and I am so blessed to have such thoughtful, loving friends and family. Thursday was the "spa day" and it was divine. It all started with a Swedish massage ( I am not sure what was so "Swedish" about it, but it felt wonderful), then a facial (which is like a special massage just for the face and neck, that cleanses the pores), then a pedicure and manicure which were enhanced by the super-cool shiatsu chair massager I had going the whole time (once I figured out how to turn it on). So I think MK and I know what we want for Christmas....
.....we want those shiatsu chair pads, a worthy investment for tired, aching, baby holding/chasing, moms. Oooohh, it was soooo nice.

Monday, November 08, 2004

Blessing leaves

As Thanksgiving approaches, we are reminded to focus on the things in our lives for which we are thankful, the blessings we have received. After reading K's November issue of Clubhouse Jr. we were inspired by one story to make our very own blessing leaves. These are simply construction paper cut-outs in leaf shapes (preferably fall colors) that we have written one thing for that we are thankful for. My original idea was to have the children dictate to me one thing to write down on a leaf each evening and then place it in a basket, but once we got started, we couldn't stop. We filled up each leaf in one night. These are just a few of the things that K and D are thankful for: the moon and stars, the sun, outer space, flowers, trees, leaves, cousins, friends to play with, a bedroom to play in, toys, mommy, daddy, L, books to read, school and the list goes on and on. I highly recommend this activity for those of you with children (it isn't bad for adults too- although you could skip the leaf part and just make a list) because it gets us to focus on what is good, and how we are so blessed in so many ways. I am also thinking that I will pick out a leaf or two each night and make sure that I thank God for the blessing listed as we pray together at dinner.

Saturday, November 06, 2004


I know I am making progress. I know this because I can recover from a blow faster than I used to. I know this because I can embrace my faith and receive the love and grace that is offered me by Christ. I know this also because I can look back over the past year and see how far I have come. Those baby steps add up.

Another Saturday, full of potential chores, errands, dreams. I am getting better at using my "free" time. I feel productive, even if somewhat overwhelmed with all I hope to accomplish with my few hours of being an off-duty mother. I have been able to reclaim my studio, although not finished doing so. I have worked on a second cheongsam mock-up, making progress here, but still not perfect- it needs some fine tuning before cutting the "fashion fabric." I washed a huge sinkful of dirty dishes (mostly spoons and sippy cups), and folded and put away the gargantuan mountain of laundry heaped on my bed. Yay me!

Great news on L: we were at a party last night, and didn't get home until close to ten o'clock, where I promptly put her to bed, and she slept through the whole night! Only thing is, she woke at the usual time- about seven thirty this a.m., and I was up until one (when will I learn?).

I have some great pics I hope to post soon, but can't figure out how to do on this computer- I wasted over an hour trying earlier this week. I have good news that I will (eventually) have a replacement comp, but not sure how long it will take to get it fixed, etc. So, please bear with me people who want more pictures. :)

Thursday, November 04, 2004

Another day older...

It happens to us every day, aging. So, I am thirty-two. Thirty-two. hmmm.

The birthday was good, except for a couple things: the headache, nausea, and cruel gift from M.
Had girl time at Egyptian Pizza, lots of good laughter, but that Tandori Chicken didn't like me very well. I was blessed with magnificent gifts, including but not limited to: chocolate rose tea, a beautiful giant mug, bath supplies-tried them tonight-lovely, and a day of pampering at the spa-to be had next week! woo hoo! A much needed time of pampering, I am psyched.

I had a very crappy day today, and I am not sure I know what to say about it. Was feeling good and motivated this morning, and then it all came crashing down when I read two pages of M's birthday present to me: Against Love, by Laura Kipnis. It is probably the cruelest birthday gift I have ever received, and that includes the cow tongue that the boys threw into the girls res at Refreshing Mountain that one time, back in 1987(?) (I'm not sure if it was specifically for me, but I was the one who decided to "regift" it back to the boys with some alterations. hee hee- ah, good times.)

I am in need of large doses of "Girl Power". Maybe I will watch "Kill Bill" this weekend.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Happy Birthday Heinz! (and me too)

All through grade school, middle school and high school, there was a boy (often in my homeroom for we shared the same last initial) named Heinz with whom I shared my birthday. To this day, he has been my only aquaintance with whom I share my special day, and it became sort of an inside joke between us to wish each other Happy Birthday. So, Heinz, "Happy Birthday!" I have no clue where or what he is up to, as I never saw him again after graduation. Our friendship consisted of making funny faces at each other in elementary school (in the second grade class photo, Heinz is making his fang lips- just for me--he could also turn his eyelids inside out, and I thought that was really gross, in a cool sort of way), and it kind of dropped off after that, but we were always friendly in the hallways and such.

So.....Thirty-two. It usually takes me a whole year to remember how old I am, and then it changes, so if you catch me saying thirty-one, I am not deliberately fibbing, I just simply have forgotten my own age.

I just received my first gift, a bouquet of flowers. Thanks mom. Happy Birthday, to me. :)

Sunday, October 31, 2004


So, we (the children and I) had a lovely day today: gorgeous fall day, unseasonalbly warm, blue skies, strong breezes and the colors, oh, the autumnal colors. Took the scenic route home from church, to let L fall asleep longer and to enjoy the foliage and surperbness of the day. After church, the children, Oma (g-pa is away visiting a dear friend) and the godparents and I celebrated L's first birthday together. Oma blessed us with yummy vittles and a chocolate cake with pink icing with little marshmellow bunnies all around the sides, like she made for me when I turned six. :) K and D had lots of fun fighting Dorian with their "light sabers" and A and L enjoyed following each other around. MK wanted to download some more pictures she took of our trip to the farm onto my computer, and that is where the "bowling words" came from. Now my freakin' computer won't work, so it seems that I will be cutting back a bit on the blogging. I know some of you have been faithful readers, and I will still try to get in on the folks computer when I have a moment every now and then, but it certainly won't be the same. I hope the derned thing is fixable, it is my internet machine, and I had just passed up the offer of my mom's computer a few weeks ago since I thought mine worked fine. Mom's has now been donated to a charitable cause, and could be half way round the world by now. :(

Ironically, I had been thinking that perhaps I was spending too many late hours on the internet reading blogs and gaining info about various things, that I was preparing a more restrictive schedule of my computer usage. I suppose God intervened here to let me know I do need a bit of a break from the distraction of emails and blogging from my everyday responsibilities.

But please do keep checking in periodically, perhaps it won't be too much of a difference in my posting- I think I average 3 a week. So, in the meantime, if you know me and want to know how it is going, just call me instead- and we'll talk. :)

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Happy Birthday L!

One year ago today, I was beaming, radiant, and finally after nine months, no longer pregnant. I gave birth to my very first little daughter, the littlest of my babies (7lbs, 6oz) and the easiest to bear. It has been quite an eventful year, in many ways that I never would have expected, but the one greatest gem of this year was having this new little girl person to get to know, love and nurture. L has been and continues to be the bright spot in dark moments. She is a true delight, happy and playful. She loves music and "dancing", being chased, tickled, cuddled, and read to. She is curious and coy, determined and spunky. L is my precious daughter, and now she is now longer a baby. She has been walking now for nearly two months, which bumps her into the "toddler" category. Watch out world, here she comes! Happy Birthday, little Prettiness.

Friday, October 29, 2004

Down on the farm

Took the children to Weber's Farm today with my dear friend MK and little A, (L's first boyfriend). We had lots of fun seeing all the decorated pumpkins (or as K and D say, "punkmins"), feeding the goats, watching the bunnies and tramping through the mini hay maze. L especially liked the green plastic fencing surrounding the hay maze, as well as the windmill she kept reaching for. (Maybe we should get one for here. It would fit right in. Renovated barn-house, chicken coop, windmill, sure, that makes sense. I will have to mention it the the folks.) We wrapped up the afternoon snacking on tasty fresh apple cider and cider doughnuts that are made on the premises. To quote Homer Simpson, "Mmmmm, doughnuts." We got to bring home a few "punkmins" too, a nice festive decorative reminder of such a gorgeous fall day.

Turkeys in the straw. "A" on left, "L" on right.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

One more week....

I'm not talking about the election, sillies, I'm talking about my birthday. This year my special day will be celebrated in red, white and blue, with full day news coverage and with U.S. citizens flocking to schools and churches to cast a vote. So, what do I want for my birthday this year? A new president? and old president? Well, finding my nice watch that my daughter lifted from my nightstand would be nice, or liberating the twelve cds held hostage in my car's cd player and getting it to work properly would be grand! There are practical things I could use, like a new winter coat or socks. There are impractical things I would enjoy like, rock climbing lessons at Earth Treks, or perhaps dancing lessons, or a day of pampering at a spa, or just a really good massage. I don't really need any of these things, however. I have been living without them and I can comfortably continue to live without them. In the grand scheme of things, they really aren't important, just stuff. One thing I really want, is to spend more quality time with my children, family and friends, oh yeah, and world peace, which brings us back to the election. For my birthday this year, please vote well, world peace depends on it.

(In case you were wondering, I am thirty-two on November two, born in the year nineteen seventy-two.)

Monday, October 25, 2004

It's a grumpy day....

We used to sing this song in "Hi-tech", the middle school youth group I went to, called "It's a happy day" which also had a grumpy day verse. "It's a grumpy day, and I just can't stand the weather. It's a grumpy day, and I'm livin' it for myself. It's a grumpy day, things are gonna get worse, livin' each day with the bible on the shelf." Today was a grumpy day. (Some of you know of which song I speak and are probably beginning to sing it quietly to yourself.)
It all started around three o'clock this morning, which is always a bad sign, when your day starts out rotten and the rooster hasn't even crowed. K was already sleeping in my bed, L was crying in the nursery and D was sleeping as close to me as humanly possible without crawling back into the womb. I was greatly annoyed by the lack of space and the fact that the boys were on top of the covers that I grumpily jerked the covers from under them and pulled them up over us all. I was trying to let L "cry it out" and fall back to sleep on her own, but D was inching closer and closer and fiddling with my hair (he does this for comfort) that I just got up to comfort L so at least I wouldn't have to listent to that horrible sound she was making.

Fast forward to this morning. After a couple cups of tea, I was beginning to feel human again, and the boys were relating well for the moment. I even had L down for a nap, and it was time to do school with K. That was interrupted because I needed to make some photocopies for his math asessment at Oma and Grandpa's house next door. Oma read the boys the story "Lentil" by Robert McCloskey and then gave them an old harmonica to play with. They were thrilled. The problem was that they needed to share it. That worked for a little while, but the rest of the afternoon, they were constantly fighting about something. It seemed like every ten minutes I was breaking up some kind of ruccous. It wasn't until I was cooking dinner when they discovered that they can both play the harmonica at the same time. They put it between them, each one blowing from oppostite sides. It was so cute to see them cooperating like that, and being excited about it too. It almost erased all the tension of the day.... almost.

What did do the trick was hanging out with some of my Christian sisters at the Macaroni Grill for several hours, eating delicious food, drinking Chiante and catching up on each other's lives. So I can honestly say now, "It's a happy day, and I thank God for the weather..."

Saturday, October 23, 2004

Cozy Spaces

While washing up the dishes this morning, I let L have free reign. She toddled in and out with various little toys clenched firmly in her fist. First it was a small metal bell with wood handle which she demonstrated quite competantly that she is ready for the Salvation Army Santa job. Next, she had something white and soft, ah, a tissue from who-knows-where, and thankfully she hadn't tried eating it yet. Her next endeavor was to explore some of the kitchen cabinets. I have let all of my children explore them, K's favorite was the tupperware cabinet, and the drawer beneath the stove where extra pots and pans are stored. He would take them out and get in there himself. D liked the pots and pans too, but more so to bang around. L likes to open the drawer with the bibs and pull each one out an drop them on the floor, but today she found a new place. The baking cabinet. It is where all my baking sheets, muffin tins, cooling racks, mixer and various loaf and cake pans are housed. It is a very large cabinet in the corner with no shelves, and L discovered she can actually get in there next to the baking sheets and mixing bowls. She looked quite pleased with herself, feet dangling out, nestled in the bakeware. I remember as a child loving little cozy spaces like that too, they give a feeling of security and closeness.

Friday, October 22, 2004

Joyella: 1(or I should say God:1), Yahoo Maps: 0

I had a little adventure tonight, and drove to D.C. all by myself. I had invited several of my friends to come with me to hear the tenth annual Kuyper lecture, but everyone I asked had a good reason not to go. I wanted to have some company just in case I got lost, but it is also nice to have someone to discuss with on the way home. Anyway, I went alone, and was prepared with my Yahoo Maps directions, which seemed simple enough. There was one vague direction that I hadn't noticed before and that was the exit off of 295, it said, "Take the Washington exit - go .1 mile." There is no "Washington exit", there is a "downtown exit" which my intuition told me to take, but I second guessed myself, because I thought that the next exit might say "Washington". WRONG. So I said a few nice bowling words and then got back into the zen of D.C. driving and finally found a place to check my map and turn around. As I was backtracking, I said a little prayer that I wouldn't get lost, and that God would put his hand on my car and guide me because I was now realizing that the Yahoo Maps directions were lame-o. And this is the amazing thing that happened: I took the second "downtown" exit I came to and that street literally dumped me right at the hotel parking garage where the lecture was! I was only a few minutes late, and the lecture hadn't yet begun, so I was very pleased. Praise God!

The Tenth Annual Kuyper Lecture: Education, Race, and Social Justice
(Quoted from the brochure: Dr. Trulear and two respondents will use the occasion of the anniversary (of Brown vs. Board of Education) to illumine the landscape of education and race in America today. Where are we today, and where should we be going in the quest for racial and educational justice?)

Overall, the lecture was informative, if not conclusive, about the state of racial discrimination in our public education system. The Rev. Dr. Harold Dean Trulear's primary focus for the lecture was that it is the "lack of will" on the part of the public, religious communities, family and the American youth which is bringing about social death. Also that tribalization, a focus on our own interests as small group as opposed to the common good for all Americans, is the main motivator in causing this disconnect between cultures and socio-econimic backgrounds. That we are all guilty of this, but as part of the "church" it is our responsibility to overcome this injustice and bring about change for the better. I was a little offended by the repeated usage of the term "Vanilla brothers and sisters" by Judith Thomas, the first respondent, because I think that to say "Chocolate brothers and sisters" would be racist. I am not a flavor, I am a person. Anyway, she focused on reiterating all that Dr. Trulear stated, and emphasized the fact that "Brown vs. The Board of Education" did not bring about equality for minorities in education. She declared that the quality of a child's education should not be based on their zip code, and proceeded to say that sitting next to a white child in the classroom does not make for a better education. I am not sure what her proposal for a solution to this problem would be, but it was heavily hinted at that more money (taxes, I presume) would need to be dumped into the public educational system to bring up the standard of education in the inner cities and poor neighborhoods. I was throughly engaged and intrigued by the second respondent, Jerry Herbert and his point of view which was different than the first two, not so much a focus on race, but on freedom. Jerry was speaking more to the role of government in the education system. That it isn't (or shouldn't be) the role of government to be involved in deciding the "what" of education, but instead to insure that education is administered justly to all. The government needs to acknowledge the necessity for parental choice in education, because education is always about virtues and perspective, and parents should be able to determine which virtues and perspective are taught to their own children. Also that the monopoly of government education must be stopped. He clarified during Q&A that he does not oppose public education outright, only the way in which it is carried out presently and stated that the primary function of the government in education (true to the CPJ) is to determine that education is carried out justly, not to provide the education itself.
Again, no real solution to this overreaching problem with the public education system was presented, but I did come away with a broader scope of the current injustices and an greater appreciation for what the Center for Public Justice aims to accomplish. I look forward to next year's.

Sunday, October 17, 2004


I have begun my latest sewing project, it is an asian inspired top, called a cheongsam, (for those of you who are wondering what that is.) It has been really good to have my head in something creative again. Let's see my last project was... the dragonfly pants in August, yes, so it has been a while. I have never made one like this before, and am frustrated with the assymetrical button closure at the front. Hmm, I don't read pattern instructions anymore, because they are so convoluded, but I might have to see where this is going. I thought I understood the construction here, but it isn't making sense to me as I try to put it together. Blah. This is what happens when I am not in the sewing groove. I get rusty fast. Part of the problem is my sewing studio is currently in my bedroom, and it isn't ideal. I like to get a project underway and then hop back into it whenever I get a chance, but with this set up, I have to put everything away when I am done each stint, which prevents me from wanting to get back into it. I am going to reopen my "studio" when I get some motivation to clean that "other" room out. It used to be my special place. I would go in there and get away from the house and kids and just sew and sew and sew until the wee hours of the mornings sometimes if the bug got into me. I am somewhat of a night owl that way, but with little kids, it is hard to make up the sleep in the a.m. so I try not to stay up so late.

I am really excited to get into the good fabric for this cheongsam though. It is a red-violet satin brocade with gold vines and little purple, red, green and blue flowers. Tres chic! Presently I am just working out the kinks in the pattern with a mock up--boring, but necessary.

a random question

Can sour cream go bad?
I mean if it is sour already, why do they stamp a date on it?
Okay, I am heating an enchilada casserole that was given to me when I was sick in July, and froze it because I was too sick to eat it then. It smells yummy, and I thought a little sour cream might be nice on the side. But I don't know how old it is. I can't find the date. Well, if I get sick I will know the answer right? Here goes... I found the date stamp, it was tiny and in the wrong place. It said Oct 18. I suppose it is still good then? I never know if that is the sell by date or the use by date, or the best if opened by date. Hmmm. Tasted okay.

Saturday, October 16, 2004

Burning down the house

I just nearly set the house on fire. I am sitting in a cloud of smoke and wondering how to get the smell of burning plastic out of here.

I had turned on the stove to make tea, but I switched on the wrong burner by mistake. I went to check my email, and started to smell something burn. I figured it was crumbs or a stray piece of pasta, so I kept typing away. Then I wondered why the kettle hadn't whistled yet. I go in the kitchen and there is smoke everywhere (I better check that smoke alarm- it didn't go off! scary). I had a spatula in a small pan that I had made scrambled eggs in this morning, and the spatula was totally melted in the pan! the handle had burned off and was lying on the counter. So, I am now wondering if I could get high on these fumes, and maybe I am already.

Hey who lets those elephants in here? Trippy.

The little charmer

Was out with L tonight, and she was making friends all over town. Everywhere I take this little girl, people stop and smile and ask me questions. "Oh, how old is she?" "She is so cute.... What is her name?" Well, I have never gotten so much attention in public before, except when K was a baby. It must be those huge blue eyes, who can resist? Once, in line at the bank she was totally flirting over my shoulder with the man behind us. She has this little coy smile where she tucks her chin down to the side and flashes those dimples, it works every time. She did it again tonight in the Blockbuster, a handsome silver-haired man kept eying her, or was it me? No, it was definitely her, but he did shoot a smile and a nod across to me in the parking lot as I was buckling her into her carseat. Once in the supermarket, this lady would not leave us alone. I get a little territorial with strangers touching my children, and this lady was getting too close. Finally, I said, "Well, I have shopping to do, good bye," as politely as I could muster. I really wanted to say, "Hey lady, don't touch my kid!" Something about children and pregnant bellies, that people think they are invited to touch them without asking first. This is one of my pet peeves.

Thursday, October 14, 2004


I gave K and D haircuts tonight. It is another one of my hidden talents, (except of course when I use it and everyone can see what kind of stylist I really am). This time I was a little wiser. Normally I cut their hair outside, so I don't have to sweep up, but D gets so frustrated with all the little pieces of hair that make him itch. So this time, I turned the TV toward the kitchen and let them watch Monsters Inc. while I snipped and buzzed their golden locks to a more managable length. I was nearly finished D's, when he said, "Mommy, I didn't cry this time." I told him how proud I am of him, and wished I had had some lollipops on hand to reward him, but I think the movie was enough of one. I also trimmed up fingernails. You know, it is really hard to keep up with thirty extra fingers and thirty extra toes on a weekly basis. I often forget until someone gets scratched or in L's case, scratches herself.

Wednesday, October 13, 2004


I got some sleep last night. Only one interruption! It is amazing what a difference it makes to not wake up every hour or two all night long. Thank you L- keep it up!

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

Books I am reading, or trying to

I have a reading list, and it seems to be getting longer by the day. Most of the books aren't for fun, however, so if after perusing this, you want to recommend a good, fun read, please do.

Knowing with the Heart: Religious experience and belief in God, Clouser
The Myth of Certainty: The reflective Christian and the risk of commitment, Taylor
Putting the Amazing back into Grace, Horton
Chosen by God, Sproul
The Five Points of Calvinism: Defined, Defended, Documented, Thomas
Perfect Daughters, Ackerman
Silent Sons, Ackerman
Codependent No More, Beattie
The Lost Continent, Bryson
The Book Against God, Wood
Hotel Pastis: A novel of Provence, Mayle (just bought this today used for 20cents- ooh, la la)

Some of these, I doubt I will finish, I got mostly through a few of them, and have no interest in picking them back up.....those would be: Perfect Daughters, Silent Sons, Codependent No More (these are some of the ones my counselor recommended- but I think I am moving past these), The Book Against God is one M bought me for Christmas and it just makes me mad to read it, because the main guy is so much like M- and yet different, but there are too many strange coincidences.

Then there are the countless classics that I never read or started and didn't finish...... oh, when will there be enough time for them all.

Saturday, October 09, 2004

If you only knew what she put in her mouth.....

I have the cutest, sweetest little baby girl, L, and she is just eleven months old. She can walk now, and really thinks she is so big since she can get all over the house by herself. L has recently discovered the toilet, and is facinated with the water. Much to my disgust I found her dipping a cup into the toilet and start to drink it yesterday! I really startled her when I said, "OH, yuck! NO, no." I have got to hound those boys to close the bathroom door when they are finished in there- she is too fast. Her other disgusting habit is chewing on her brothers' smelly sandals or flip flops. I can't imagine that they actually taste good, it must just feel good on her teeth to bite into the rubber. Teething toys aren't good enough I suppose. My mom said when we were at the beach last month, L had something clenched in her tight little fist. When she pried it open, there was a dead cockroach! Eww! That totally beats the time D put a dead fly in his mouth. She finds other distasteful and dirty things to put in her mouth too, like, mulch chips, rocks and even lint from the dryer. I try to keep a clean house, but it doesn't matter - she will find that one little piece of something undesireable and pop it in. Of course, I don't love her any less for her disgusting little habit. I still squeeze her and smooch her all over. She's my baby girl, and she is so sweet.

Friday, October 08, 2004

Painting with the President

After two years, I have finally finished painting my kitchen ceiling. I enlisted the President and Senator Kerry to help me out, but in classic bureaucratic fashion, they just stood around and argued about the best way to get things done without actually doing anything. So I labored, and now am feeling dizzy from the fumes. I didn't think to open a window until I was mostly done. I also began painting the "mud room" which is hardly a room. It is a small space where the kitchen door opens over a tiny tiled patch of floor where shoes often get piled. I chose "caramel honey" for the color there, which is really a yellow gold. Paint names are fun, but they seldom tell you a lick about what the color actually looks like. I had tried to have a painting party for next weekend, but I only had two volunteers, and one was my mom. So I decided I'm just going to tackle this solo. I have a number of painting tasks to tackle, and most of them are necessary. But it is also somewhat psychological : new paint = new life.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

First Thursday

A balmy autumn day, and a beautiful one for seeing art art the BMA. First Thursday, for those of you who don't know, is the first Thursday of each month when the BMA (and other museums and galleries) are open for free. I love free! Since I was feeling energetic and revived this afternoon, I decided to bundle all three kids into the car and head downtown. I couldn't have planned it better. They behaved wonderfully, didn't knock anything down or even touch anything they weren't supposed to. Of course I had to remind them a bit, but that was okay. We took a break from visiting the great works of the Cone collection to eat some dinner under the tent in the sculpture garden. It was truely lovely. I rarely take all three of my children somewhere to eat by myself, because it can be overwhelming, but I took the chance tonight, and am glad of it. I even splurged on a glass of wine, to compliment the fair evening. After our meal, we went back inside to do the family art activity, but we couldn't stay much longer, because L really needed to go home to bed. D fell asleep on the way, and I just plunked him in bed, clothes and all. K and I finished up his "artist's studio", made of tag board, colored paper and clippings of masterworks. It is cute, a little orange walled studio, with tiny paintings and one wall covered in a print of clear blue plastic bead strands.

It was so motivating to be in the art museum again. It has been a while since I have been there, and I used to have a steady diet of art museums in college. I have missed it. I feel like the BMA and I are old friends. I remember my mom taking me there for my birthday a couple different times as a child. I celebrated my 19th (or was it 20th?) at the big Monet exhibit they had showing one year. And during my T.U. days, I spent many days there for my "Writing about Art class" as well as all the art ed. courses. So, it was good to see my old friend again, you know the BMA is celebrating 90 years, so it really is old (by American standards anyway.)

Tuesday, October 05, 2004

Confronted with rebellion

I have been having a bit of a dialogue regarding Calvinism with two people, and it is deeply moving me. I feel I am being changed, and I know that that may seem obvious considering my circumstances, but this is different. I had a very wrenching, falling on my knees type experience about two years ago. (It was actually Christmas Eve of 02.) I knew that I had been not trusting in Christ, that I was beginning to waver in many of my beliefs, because of the increasingly liberal climate in my home due to M. I fell on my knees and prayed that the Holy Spirit would change me, that I would desire to be like Christ. I think it has been a gradual process. God doesn't always strike us down with lightening and transform us, sometimes it takes years. There is a verse I came across today, and it was so poignant, that I must share it here: Ephesians 4:14-15 " Then we will no longer be like children, forever changing our minds about what we believe because someone has told us something different or because someone has cleverly lied to us and made the lie sound like the truth. Instead, we will hold to the truth in love, becoming more and more in every way like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church." I was recently confronted with these words, "Repent of your rebellion and trust in Christ." It made me weep. I acknowledge that on some days that isn't too hard to do, a soap ad could bring a tear to my eye, but this was really different and unexpected. It was like something inside said, " Yes, I will."

It has been a melancholy day. (You know it is when the supermarket checker asks you if you're okay.) I have been on the verge of tears all day, and I think this awareness of true truth has something to do with it. Also I had to see M as I dropped off the kids this afternoon. He said, "We don't talk to each other anymore." I said, "Yes, it has been good for me that way." He said, "It kind of sucks." Kind of? This goes well with the comment from Saturday about pumpkin bread. I had packed a pumpkin muffin in L's lunch, and M said, "Next time you make pumpkin bread, you might want to bring me some." Are you kidding me? I said, "It's not my job to take care of you anymore."(I had actually deliberated on whether or not I should take extra for him, and decided not to. Not out of meanness, but just so he can begin to see that he doesn't get those special privileges anymore.)

Saturday, October 02, 2004

Sisters, shopping and some other stuff

Today I had lots of fun shopping in Roland Park with my two sisters-in-law. We were checking some cute little stores for maternity clothes (sister-in-law #1 due in April), consignment and toys. My greatest find was the adult size hula hoop! (I am sure it is a physics related problem, but a child's sized one wouldn't go round and round. ) I've been looking for one for a while, and I am pleasantly surprised to discover that, "I've still got it, baby!" (It was either get a hula hoop or take belly dancing class, and the hula hoop was much more economical.) Also picked up some colorful jumpropes for homeschool phs. ed. We then got to check out the house that pregnant sister and husband are "renovating". That have a lot to get done before the bambino arrives, and they hope to move in December. We shall see. I rounded out the evening by attending a lecture at University Baptist Church, part of the weekend series of lectures this weekend titled, "Worth a Thousand Words: Illuminating Biblical Text Through Art and Archaeology," by John Roberts, pastor emeritus at Woodbrook Baptist Church. It was really good to do something out of the daily routine, but I think my expectations were a bit high for the lecture (strong Baptist inferences, but I am always pleased when church folk get together to discuss art). Tonight's was on Jesus' conception, the wedding at Cana, the calling of Matthew, and the prodigal son. It brought back some of those old college memories of "art in the dark". I shall close off this lovely day with the French film "Bon Voyage" which was highly recommended by my biological sister. She said it would be a nice escape even if it wasn't a good story, which it is, there is a very handsome actor worth staring at for a couple hours. Vive la France!

Friday, October 01, 2004

Harvest Moon

Tonight as I was locking up and turning out the lights, the moon beckoned me from the skylight. It has been a while since we have been together, because of all the clouds and storms, so I accepted her invitation and stepped outside. How beautiful she is! Even though she is beginning to wane, her silvery blue light bathed everything so gracefully. Cassiopia winked at her, and smiled to see me out on such a crisp, clear night. The air smelled of nutmeg, a hearty autumnal scent, courtesy once again of the McCormick plant nearby. I couldn't stay outside very long, my nose was getting cold, and I was beginning to shiver. When I came in, L was stirring for her mid-night feeding. I was so tired, and I still am, but I kept thinking about the moon and I just wanted to write it down.

Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Ticking Time bomb

Today, I decided to cut my Wednesday morning WOW meeting of Mothers of Young Children. Last week when I attended, I expected to see some new faces in our group, but was looking forward to the old ones I had gotten to know last year. Much to my surprise, there were very few of those old faces. It was a tough morning, and somedays I just don't want to meet new people and either pretend I am happy and well or tell my sad situation. I don't want pity. I don't want to make people uncomfortable to be around me, and I don't want to burst into sobs in a room full of well intentioned strangers. So, we stayed home today. Got caught up on some missed lessons, and then we headed out to IKEA. Going to IKEA is like stepping into a small corner of Europe for me. It is trendy and mod, reasonably priced and there are interesting names to things that are hard to pronounce, like "Leksvik" or "Mula" or "Dekad". My favorite today is "Traktor". Yes, it is easy to pronounce, but more fun to sit on. It is a bight green (John Deere green) stool on wheels and the seat is shaped just like one from an old fashioned tractor. It would be great in my sewing studio. I loved sliding around on it. L liked it too. I didn't buy it, this time, for budgetary reasons, but I did buy "Dekad". It was the cutest black, old fashioned bell and hammer alarm clock. I thought it was probably battery operated like all the others in the store, but after I took it out of the cellophane, I realized, "It's a wind up!" I assured myself it can't be that bad. (I need an alarm clock, because M took ours,which wasn't working well anyway, and I need to start getting up before the children.) Anyway, I sit here listening to what sounds like a ticking time bomb, there is no way I can use this. Besides, I have to wind it daily, I think. I won't remember, oh! and the bell! Looks can be so deceiving, well actually in this case, it is exactly what it looks like, I only assumed that it was more modern and quiet since it is new, and from IKEA.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Moving on

What exactly does it mean to "move on"? I think that Jerry Seinfeld had a good analogy of the "break-up". He says it is a lot like tipping over a Coke machine. You just can't do it in one push, you have to rock it back and forth a while, until it finally goes over. That seems to be what is happening here.

I have been advised to begin in the next steps of moving on. As painful as this is, I know in my heart it is what I need to do.

It continues to rain here, pouring down in sheets, in fact. The wrath of Jeanne is now here, although she seems to be calming down a bit. The low pressure system is making me (and the kids) so grouchy. Why does this happen?

Gilmore girls episode was..... satisfactory, not sure what the deal with Luke and Lorelai is though. Rory is trouble, how could she? Doesn't she know that letters always get found by the wrong people. sheesh. Anyway, I liked the show more when it was funny, not so dramatic. I have enough drama.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

The sun returns

It has been a tough day. Nothing major, but since I had serious difficulty sleeping due to an overactive brain, a late nap,a rooster crowing, and too much chocolate, it set me up for a meltdown. I didn't actually meltdown, though, I just felt right on the edge all day. I have been feeling more of the sadness, and there have been other things that I choose not to discuss that have been occupying much brainwave activity. It has been extremely hard to concentrate. I have heard that grief does this, but so does sleep deprivation. The cloudy weather today matched my gloomy mood, but by evening the sun peeked out before tucking itself below the horizon. This little gesture gave me hope.
The sermon today helped too. I missed some of the beginning, but what I gathered was that we need to draw on the "account" where God has deposited such incredible forgiveness and grace. If we walk about like it isn't there, our life will not be changed. I was also confronted with the verses I came across from my bible study prep.

Romans 12:1-2 " And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his way really is." NLT
Wow, just what I needed to hear, but didn't want to. "...Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Eureka! That is what is happening to me, but I really haven't been faithful in doing my "part" in facilitating growth....Back to work.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Time to kill

Today was the first day that M took the children for the whole day, and overnight. Actually he only had the baby for a few hours, as she is still quite dependent on me, but the boys have been out of the house since ten this morning and I am beside myself. I have so many things that I had hoped to accomplish, but I keep finding myself wandering around distracting myself with meaningless tasks. I tidied up a little. I ran two loads of laundry. I took a very long nap while the baby slept, and I stored some junk in the attic. What I really wanted, no, intended to do was my bible study prep for Monday and Wednesday, and begin my next sewing project. Last time M left it took me a little while to get used to the chunks of time without the kids. Before when the children were in someone else's care it was so we could do something together. I rarely had time to myself. I rarely made time for myself.
I have a friend who told me that when her kids (all but her baby) all started school, she couldn't get anything done. She would wait for them to come home to start mopping the floor or some other chore. I am having a similar problem. I know it will get better, but I just feel like I wasted such precious time today....... Well, at least I took that nap.

Finding my own language

At my last counseling session, we were discussing the results of a personality test I took a few months ago. One thing that has stood out to me is that my counselor said that I have difficulty articulating my most inner thoughts. To this I agreed. He (my counselor) also said that I am now finding my own language, that I am learning again how to communicate my thoughts. This couldn't be more true. I have found that taking the time to write here in this blog has been extremely helpful to this end. In fact, I am consciously thinking and putting my thoughts into words throughout the day. I remember a time when I didn't know what I thought. I would actually sit and stare and not know what was in my head. (depression perhaps?) I feel so much more awake now. It is like my mind has been turned back on, I don't know when it got turned off reallly. I think it was a gradual thing. I am becoming more bold in my speech. I am able, at times, to truely say what I think. I am willing to take that risk, because I am learning to be more comfortable with who I am.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Jedi knights

I watched Star Wars Episode I tonight with my boys, and now they are fighting each other with paper light swords. (They are so resourceful.) It actually wasn't as bad as I had remembered it. It was probably because of all the hype, and I was one of those people waiting in a long line at the historic Senator Theatre to see it on opening day.
Something that stuck with me was the bit about how it is Fear that draws you to the Dark Side.
How true this is. What a great assurance that in Christ we have nothing to fear!
I John 4:18
"Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgemnet, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us."

K just informed me that he is winning and showed me his stellar technique. D fakes a fabulous death. They are so fun to just watch. I'd say they are free entertainment, but really children are quite expensive. Okay, I need to rescue D's light saber from under the sofa. Who knows what I'll find under there.

Thursday, September 23, 2004


I started an entry yesterday, but somehow it got lost and I don't feel like remembering it.
This is my favorite time of year, I love crisp blue skies and the way dried up leaves crunch underfoot. I like being able to wear sweaters and boots and tights with skirts. I love the smell of Autumn air, it is earthy and wholesome. Last night I kept smelling pizza cooking (a hungry smell), but I think that was because of the McCormick plant nearby. They must have been doing oregano or something like that. Is there a pizza spice blend they make?
Happy Fall everyone. Crunch some leaves and think of me.

Today I am thankful for chocolate. My stores have been replenished. Thank you Mom and Greg! (no golden ticket, though) I am also thankful for D. He told me I was "Wonder Woman" and that is probably the greatest compliment a four year old boy can give.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


I had a doctor appointment today, and since I was in a hurry to scoot out the door, and no fluffy books were handy, I went without my own reading material. How long could the wait be anyway?
It was long. I sat at first, just sitting. Then I picked up a magazine that I thought was a little out of place for a "woman's doctor" office. It was Esquire. The issue was on photography, but it seemed as though it was on the female form. The spread on funny faces of serious people had many photos that made me chuckle out loud, and for me that is rare. But really, what is a men's magazine doing in an ob/gyn office? We don't want to be confronted with perfectly formed female bodies when we are in our ninth month of pregnancy, nor when we are post-partum and trying to shed all that baby fat. I am certainly not pregnant, and even though I still have some baby fat to shed, most of it is gone, and that is probably why I didn't feel threatened flipping through it. I was curious to see how men's mags are different from women's, and boy was it obvious. Women's mags have recipes and home decor and make up and fashion tips, men's mags have LOTS of images of partially or totally nude women and very expensive suits.
Finally my name was called and I got to go back into the "little room" and wait in my pink paper sheet. My doctor used to have real cloth gowns that were ample enough to fit a two hundred fifty pound girth, but several years ago when there was a drought she switched to the paper ones. She liked not having to do the laundry so much, she stuck with them. The paper is no good. It is crunchy and it tears and it doesn't really cover anything. What is the point? It is so we can pretend that we are modest in the eyes of our doctor who has seen more of us than we ever will. I sat in that exam room for fifteen minutes more before the doc came in.
This afternoon was packed with waiting in traffic, waiting at Jiffy Lube, waiting in more traffic and waiting at the vehicle emissions testing. The good news: I passed. Yippee.
I had hoped to have a little time to myself while the kids were with their dad, but that was cut very short, so I had to settle for a quick cuppa and cookie and then back into traffic.

On another note, the summer of waiting for a new Gilmore Girls episode had ended. Tinight was the season premiere and I taped it,(yay for me, I figured out how to record on my VCR). Sometimes I let the boys watch it with me since it starts at eight o'clock and is usually funny and light, but the themes seem to be shifting to a heavier side. I was grossly disappointed in Rory. She is supposed to be the "good" one. What she did was totally against her character. On the other hand, it is about time that Lorelai and Luke set their eyes on each other. Their names are even aliterated-how sickeningly sweet. (Oh, and by the way my girl isn't named after that Gilmore girl, different spelling, mine is German.)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Monday, September 20, 2004

Back to School

After one week of homeschooling we felt it necessary to take a vacation. No, that isn't how I planned it, but instead how it turned out. I am so new tothis homeschooling business, I sometimes forget that I have "homework" too. Tonight I thought I should look over tomorrow's lesson, so I have a vague idea of what I am doing, and I discovered that I need to make a chart with construction paper and cut out circles. I'm glad I checked. I hate being unprepared. Well, I got the chart ready, so we will be all set to graph boys and girls in our family.

Today M broke the news to the boys about his not living here. He didn't say much, it went kind of like this:
"Do you know what? Today you are going to see my new place. Remember how I used to live with V? Well I am going to do that again, only it will be just me in my place. You can come and be with me there and play and spend the night too. "
What surprised me is that neither of them asked, "Why?" That's the question I will probably be posed sometime soon. I dread answering that question. It is a habit for me to be honest, sometimes I am too honest. It is hard to say only enough to quench their curiosity without making them anxious.
Anyhow, their visit went well, and I saw the place too. It is a nice, clean third floor apartment over a house in Hampden. It isn't too far of a drive and as the boys discovered on their walk with M, there is a comic book shop near by. (K & D are so into superheroes now.)
Last time M left, the boys had a lot of anxiety about "leaving". When I would run out to the trash cans for a minute they would run after me, sometimes in tears. Today they seemed totally fine. I made two runs to the trash outside and they didn't mind a bit. K is the tough one. He perceives so much, but keeps a lot inside. He takes after me that way. He shot me a glance when M said he would be living somewhere else, which I returned with a slight reassuring smile. It was like he was checking with me to see if this is okay, taking a cue from me to know how to respond. I wonder what he is thinking about this mess. I wish he would tell me.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Going Home

The nine and a half hour drive home from the beach provided me with lots of time to think and daydream while looking out the window. One of my favorite things about traveling, is that it allows me to peek into the lives, if only briefly for a second or two, of the people I passby: the hunched over, frail old man shuffling towards his garage in the back yard; the Asian woman speaking rapidly into her cell phone; the smiling man with gold earrings talking to his lady passenger; the young girls holding up "car wash" signs on the side of the road. Who are these people? What are their stories? Sometimes I imagine a story for them. I make it sad, tragic, even gruesome at times. Sometimes I imagine happy carefree tales-a fiction I wish for myself. Mostly I am just curious about the struggles, conflicts and joys these people have in their own lives. We really aren't all that different. We all go through the same kinds of things, we feel the same emotions, just at different times in our lives, and yet each story is unique just like each individual.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Baby Steps

We are enjoying our stay at Holden Beach, N.C. The trip down was somewhat eventful, with D throwing up his popcorn and chocolate milk (apparently not a good combination) two hours into the trip. I managed to keep my breakfast down by the grace of God, because the smell that permeated the minivan was atrocious. The little gas station air freshener just made it worse for me. Anyhow, we arrived and have been having lots of down time which is exactly what we needed.
Yesterday L took her first series of steps, actual walking! Of course I missed this milestone, because I was napping, and Oma was on duty. Eight steps all by herself. L took three steps to me earlier that day, but it isn't quite the same.
K brought his new Batman suit which we purchased with all the loose change in the house, and all of the boys have been sharing it with him. They divide up the pieces of the costume, one has the hat, another has the cape, etc., so we have four "Batmen" in all. Amazing how some cloth can provide hours of creative entertainment.

I have been personally benefitting from squishing my toes around in the warm wet sand, gazing at the stars at midnight and taking long walks along the shore. L loves the sand, so much so that she had it in her diaper the next day. She had eaten several handfuls of the stuff. Yuck.
I have also discovered that the ocean is a great place for "yawping," although I haven't felt the need since being here. The white noise of the crashing waves drowns any other loud noises quite well. I remembered this when trying to call out to K from the shore, and of course he couldn't hear me.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Psalm 17

This morning I saught comfort in the scriptures, but wasn't sure where to look. I just flipped it open as I sometimes do and came upon these words:
vs. 6-9

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. You save with your strength those who seek refuge from their enemies. Guard me as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of your wings. Protect me from wicked people who attack me, from murderous enemies who surround me."

One more day until the beach!

The family "party" was tolerable. M liked his CD, spoon rest and cigars. D loves his playmobil pirate ship! That makes it all worth while. Resisting M's advances requires all my strength and self control, and I have been too tired to do that today. I have put up with more than I have wanted, but at least I didn't cave completely. He admits it is harder to keep away from me since he is living here. It makes sense for him to go. I need to stop feeling guilty about it. I need to get on with my own life without his psychosis.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Feeling sick

I hope this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is the result of my turbulent emotions and not something else. I can't bear to be sick again. (Mononucleosis put me out of commission for the whole month of July this summer.) I am noticing some other more personal symptoms from the stress too. My body is just as unhappy as my mind right now. I have felt like throwing up all day. I hate this day. One more to go before we leave for the beach. What a respite that will be. Just what the doctor ordered: beach therapy. Hurricane or not, it will be better than this.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Happy boys pic


Happy boys pic


not sleeping

Tonight M continues to test my patience and sanity. Having been clear for three whole days about his decision to leave, he is once again feeling those old "feelings". I have done pretty well holding him at bay, but tonight it got the best of me. He was sitting at my computer which is next to the bed checking his email. Exausted from the day, I flopped down on the bed, hoping for a few minutes of rest while I waited to get online. Almost instantly in a playful spirit, M tried to tackle me. I managed to get out of the way just in time and burst into tears. How long must I endure this, Oh, Lord? I know that M's intentions were not to upset me. That is how blind he is to what he is doing, to all the pain he is inflicting. He assured me that he would never force himself on me, and that he was being playful. That flirting with me is an old habit which is hard to break. I could tell you what I'd like to break, but I am a lady, so I will keep that to myself.
While I was up nursing L in the middle of the night tonight. M slipped into my bed. When I returned, I saw the lump of his outline in the dark, and told him to get out. He said he wanted to talk, to be close to me. I said I wanted to sleep, so GO. He left reluctantly. And now I can't sleep.
It is 3:41am, do you know where my sanity is?
Today is M's birthday. I had a really tough time finding the right gift this year. One friend of mine suggested I give him belly button lint, but I thought that would be too intimate. I can think of a number of things I want to give him, but they wouldn't constitute as gifts. Tomorrow we will have our family birthday celebration for M and D. This will be the last time I have to play this charade, so I hope. The children and I will leave for the beach on Saturday morning for a week of rest and peace and fun. When we return, life will be different.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The tracks of my tears

Much personal turmoil going on. A chapter ends and a new one begins.

People say I'm the life of the party...but take a good look at my face. You'll see my smile looks out of place. If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.

Today while shopping at Superfresh for Labor Day picnic foodstuffs (for my small-group bible study this evening), I heard the old Smokey Robinson song, "Tracks of my tears." How ironic that that song has been stuck in my head since. As I was getting ready to go to this cookout, I was crying over the past week's events, but mostly over today's big one. M has admitted to me that he would "work his ass off to get his PhD, but he won't even go to counseling to save his marriage". For him to finally admit that this is about him not wanting marriage (no matter how wonderful I am) with me, is ground breaking. He admitted that I should hold him to that condition of going to counseling if he ever changes his mind again. He is moving out. Our divorce is imminent. I am grieving the loss, but I have assurance from my heavenly Father that I am taken care of, and I will be alright. Somehow I have peace. It is like when my sister committed suicide when I was sixteen and I was so distressed. From nowhere, the Holy Spirit descended upon me in a wave of peace and I knew I would be okay no matter how badly I felt at the moment. God is always surprising us like that. He continues to give us glimpses of hope in the midst of the hardest trials. For this I am thankful.

Monday, September 06, 2004

a place to yawp

I am beginning a new quest. The quest to find a place for a good, loud, barabaric yawp. I have much to yawp about and it is building within me. Last night after M's third change of heart this week and had to go for a drive. (Gin tastes better with Tom Collin's, and I was all out , and desperately needed a strong drink). On my way home from the store, I spontaneously decided to not go right home, but just drive a bit. I really needed to scream, to let out my pent up frustration and aggression. So I just cranked up the music and belted out two loud roars. It hurt my throat. I was a little disappointed. I thought that I would feel better after, but not so much. I envisioned standing on a hill top and screaming and hearing it echo all around me for minutes, like you see in the movies when someone's true love dies. I don't know where that place is. That place you can go and scream and people won't be calling the cops. But that is troublesome, because what if something bad happened and I screamed and no one knew to come help? Ah, a connundrum. It reminds me of the age old question, "If a tree falls in a forest..."