Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Ticking Time bomb

Today, I decided to cut my Wednesday morning WOW meeting of Mothers of Young Children. Last week when I attended, I expected to see some new faces in our group, but was looking forward to the old ones I had gotten to know last year. Much to my surprise, there were very few of those old faces. It was a tough morning, and somedays I just don't want to meet new people and either pretend I am happy and well or tell my sad situation. I don't want pity. I don't want to make people uncomfortable to be around me, and I don't want to burst into sobs in a room full of well intentioned strangers. So, we stayed home today. Got caught up on some missed lessons, and then we headed out to IKEA. Going to IKEA is like stepping into a small corner of Europe for me. It is trendy and mod, reasonably priced and there are interesting names to things that are hard to pronounce, like "Leksvik" or "Mula" or "Dekad". My favorite today is "Traktor". Yes, it is easy to pronounce, but more fun to sit on. It is a bight green (John Deere green) stool on wheels and the seat is shaped just like one from an old fashioned tractor. It would be great in my sewing studio. I loved sliding around on it. L liked it too. I didn't buy it, this time, for budgetary reasons, but I did buy "Dekad". It was the cutest black, old fashioned bell and hammer alarm clock. I thought it was probably battery operated like all the others in the store, but after I took it out of the cellophane, I realized, "It's a wind up!" I assured myself it can't be that bad. (I need an alarm clock, because M took ours,which wasn't working well anyway, and I need to start getting up before the children.) Anyway, I sit here listening to what sounds like a ticking time bomb, there is no way I can use this. Besides, I have to wind it daily, I think. I won't remember, oh! and the bell! Looks can be so deceiving, well actually in this case, it is exactly what it looks like, I only assumed that it was more modern and quiet since it is new, and from IKEA.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Moving on

What exactly does it mean to "move on"? I think that Jerry Seinfeld had a good analogy of the "break-up". He says it is a lot like tipping over a Coke machine. You just can't do it in one push, you have to rock it back and forth a while, until it finally goes over. That seems to be what is happening here.

I have been advised to begin in the next steps of moving on. As painful as this is, I know in my heart it is what I need to do.

It continues to rain here, pouring down in sheets, in fact. The wrath of Jeanne is now here, although she seems to be calming down a bit. The low pressure system is making me (and the kids) so grouchy. Why does this happen?

Gilmore girls episode was..... satisfactory, not sure what the deal with Luke and Lorelai is though. Rory is trouble, how could she? Doesn't she know that letters always get found by the wrong people. sheesh. Anyway, I liked the show more when it was funny, not so dramatic. I have enough drama.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

The sun returns

It has been a tough day. Nothing major, but since I had serious difficulty sleeping due to an overactive brain, a late nap,a rooster crowing, and too much chocolate, it set me up for a meltdown. I didn't actually meltdown, though, I just felt right on the edge all day. I have been feeling more of the sadness, and there have been other things that I choose not to discuss that have been occupying much brainwave activity. It has been extremely hard to concentrate. I have heard that grief does this, but so does sleep deprivation. The cloudy weather today matched my gloomy mood, but by evening the sun peeked out before tucking itself below the horizon. This little gesture gave me hope.
The sermon today helped too. I missed some of the beginning, but what I gathered was that we need to draw on the "account" where God has deposited such incredible forgiveness and grace. If we walk about like it isn't there, our life will not be changed. I was also confronted with the verses I came across from my bible study prep.

Romans 12:1-2 " And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice-the kind he will accept. When you think of what he has done for you, is this too much to ask? Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will know what God wants you to do, and you will know how good and pleasing and perfect his way really is." NLT
Wow, just what I needed to hear, but didn't want to. "...Let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think." Eureka! That is what is happening to me, but I really haven't been faithful in doing my "part" in facilitating growth....Back to work.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Time to kill

Today was the first day that M took the children for the whole day, and overnight. Actually he only had the baby for a few hours, as she is still quite dependent on me, but the boys have been out of the house since ten this morning and I am beside myself. I have so many things that I had hoped to accomplish, but I keep finding myself wandering around distracting myself with meaningless tasks. I tidied up a little. I ran two loads of laundry. I took a very long nap while the baby slept, and I stored some junk in the attic. What I really wanted, no, intended to do was my bible study prep for Monday and Wednesday, and begin my next sewing project. Last time M left it took me a little while to get used to the chunks of time without the kids. Before when the children were in someone else's care it was so we could do something together. I rarely had time to myself. I rarely made time for myself.
I have a friend who told me that when her kids (all but her baby) all started school, she couldn't get anything done. She would wait for them to come home to start mopping the floor or some other chore. I am having a similar problem. I know it will get better, but I just feel like I wasted such precious time today....... Well, at least I took that nap.

Finding my own language

At my last counseling session, we were discussing the results of a personality test I took a few months ago. One thing that has stood out to me is that my counselor said that I have difficulty articulating my most inner thoughts. To this I agreed. He (my counselor) also said that I am now finding my own language, that I am learning again how to communicate my thoughts. This couldn't be more true. I have found that taking the time to write here in this blog has been extremely helpful to this end. In fact, I am consciously thinking and putting my thoughts into words throughout the day. I remember a time when I didn't know what I thought. I would actually sit and stare and not know what was in my head. (depression perhaps?) I feel so much more awake now. It is like my mind has been turned back on, I don't know when it got turned off reallly. I think it was a gradual thing. I am becoming more bold in my speech. I am able, at times, to truely say what I think. I am willing to take that risk, because I am learning to be more comfortable with who I am.

Friday, September 24, 2004

Jedi knights

I watched Star Wars Episode I tonight with my boys, and now they are fighting each other with paper light swords. (They are so resourceful.) It actually wasn't as bad as I had remembered it. It was probably because of all the hype, and I was one of those people waiting in a long line at the historic Senator Theatre to see it on opening day.
Something that stuck with me was the bit about how it is Fear that draws you to the Dark Side.
How true this is. What a great assurance that in Christ we have nothing to fear!
I John 4:18
"Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of judgemnet, and this shows that his love has not been perfected in us."

K just informed me that he is winning and showed me his stellar technique. D fakes a fabulous death. They are so fun to just watch. I'd say they are free entertainment, but really children are quite expensive. Okay, I need to rescue D's light saber from under the sofa. Who knows what I'll find under there.

Thursday, September 23, 2004


I started an entry yesterday, but somehow it got lost and I don't feel like remembering it.
This is my favorite time of year, I love crisp blue skies and the way dried up leaves crunch underfoot. I like being able to wear sweaters and boots and tights with skirts. I love the smell of Autumn air, it is earthy and wholesome. Last night I kept smelling pizza cooking (a hungry smell), but I think that was because of the McCormick plant nearby. They must have been doing oregano or something like that. Is there a pizza spice blend they make?
Happy Fall everyone. Crunch some leaves and think of me.

Today I am thankful for chocolate. My stores have been replenished. Thank you Mom and Greg! (no golden ticket, though) I am also thankful for D. He told me I was "Wonder Woman" and that is probably the greatest compliment a four year old boy can give.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004


I had a doctor appointment today, and since I was in a hurry to scoot out the door, and no fluffy books were handy, I went without my own reading material. How long could the wait be anyway?
It was long. I sat at first, just sitting. Then I picked up a magazine that I thought was a little out of place for a "woman's doctor" office. It was Esquire. The issue was on photography, but it seemed as though it was on the female form. The spread on funny faces of serious people had many photos that made me chuckle out loud, and for me that is rare. But really, what is a men's magazine doing in an ob/gyn office? We don't want to be confronted with perfectly formed female bodies when we are in our ninth month of pregnancy, nor when we are post-partum and trying to shed all that baby fat. I am certainly not pregnant, and even though I still have some baby fat to shed, most of it is gone, and that is probably why I didn't feel threatened flipping through it. I was curious to see how men's mags are different from women's, and boy was it obvious. Women's mags have recipes and home decor and make up and fashion tips, men's mags have LOTS of images of partially or totally nude women and very expensive suits.
Finally my name was called and I got to go back into the "little room" and wait in my pink paper sheet. My doctor used to have real cloth gowns that were ample enough to fit a two hundred fifty pound girth, but several years ago when there was a drought she switched to the paper ones. She liked not having to do the laundry so much, she stuck with them. The paper is no good. It is crunchy and it tears and it doesn't really cover anything. What is the point? It is so we can pretend that we are modest in the eyes of our doctor who has seen more of us than we ever will. I sat in that exam room for fifteen minutes more before the doc came in.
This afternoon was packed with waiting in traffic, waiting at Jiffy Lube, waiting in more traffic and waiting at the vehicle emissions testing. The good news: I passed. Yippee.
I had hoped to have a little time to myself while the kids were with their dad, but that was cut very short, so I had to settle for a quick cuppa and cookie and then back into traffic.

On another note, the summer of waiting for a new Gilmore Girls episode had ended. Tinight was the season premiere and I taped it,(yay for me, I figured out how to record on my VCR). Sometimes I let the boys watch it with me since it starts at eight o'clock and is usually funny and light, but the themes seem to be shifting to a heavier side. I was grossly disappointed in Rory. She is supposed to be the "good" one. What she did was totally against her character. On the other hand, it is about time that Lorelai and Luke set their eyes on each other. Their names are even aliterated-how sickeningly sweet. (Oh, and by the way my girl isn't named after that Gilmore girl, different spelling, mine is German.)

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Monday, September 20, 2004

Back to School

After one week of homeschooling we felt it necessary to take a vacation. No, that isn't how I planned it, but instead how it turned out. I am so new tothis homeschooling business, I sometimes forget that I have "homework" too. Tonight I thought I should look over tomorrow's lesson, so I have a vague idea of what I am doing, and I discovered that I need to make a chart with construction paper and cut out circles. I'm glad I checked. I hate being unprepared. Well, I got the chart ready, so we will be all set to graph boys and girls in our family.

Today M broke the news to the boys about his not living here. He didn't say much, it went kind of like this:
"Do you know what? Today you are going to see my new place. Remember how I used to live with V? Well I am going to do that again, only it will be just me in my place. You can come and be with me there and play and spend the night too. "
What surprised me is that neither of them asked, "Why?" That's the question I will probably be posed sometime soon. I dread answering that question. It is a habit for me to be honest, sometimes I am too honest. It is hard to say only enough to quench their curiosity without making them anxious.
Anyhow, their visit went well, and I saw the place too. It is a nice, clean third floor apartment over a house in Hampden. It isn't too far of a drive and as the boys discovered on their walk with M, there is a comic book shop near by. (K & D are so into superheroes now.)
Last time M left, the boys had a lot of anxiety about "leaving". When I would run out to the trash cans for a minute they would run after me, sometimes in tears. Today they seemed totally fine. I made two runs to the trash outside and they didn't mind a bit. K is the tough one. He perceives so much, but keeps a lot inside. He takes after me that way. He shot me a glance when M said he would be living somewhere else, which I returned with a slight reassuring smile. It was like he was checking with me to see if this is okay, taking a cue from me to know how to respond. I wonder what he is thinking about this mess. I wish he would tell me.

Sunday, September 19, 2004

Going Home

The nine and a half hour drive home from the beach provided me with lots of time to think and daydream while looking out the window. One of my favorite things about traveling, is that it allows me to peek into the lives, if only briefly for a second or two, of the people I passby: the hunched over, frail old man shuffling towards his garage in the back yard; the Asian woman speaking rapidly into her cell phone; the smiling man with gold earrings talking to his lady passenger; the young girls holding up "car wash" signs on the side of the road. Who are these people? What are their stories? Sometimes I imagine a story for them. I make it sad, tragic, even gruesome at times. Sometimes I imagine happy carefree tales-a fiction I wish for myself. Mostly I am just curious about the struggles, conflicts and joys these people have in their own lives. We really aren't all that different. We all go through the same kinds of things, we feel the same emotions, just at different times in our lives, and yet each story is unique just like each individual.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Baby Steps

We are enjoying our stay at Holden Beach, N.C. The trip down was somewhat eventful, with D throwing up his popcorn and chocolate milk (apparently not a good combination) two hours into the trip. I managed to keep my breakfast down by the grace of God, because the smell that permeated the minivan was atrocious. The little gas station air freshener just made it worse for me. Anyhow, we arrived and have been having lots of down time which is exactly what we needed.
Yesterday L took her first series of steps, actual walking! Of course I missed this milestone, because I was napping, and Oma was on duty. Eight steps all by herself. L took three steps to me earlier that day, but it isn't quite the same.
K brought his new Batman suit which we purchased with all the loose change in the house, and all of the boys have been sharing it with him. They divide up the pieces of the costume, one has the hat, another has the cape, etc., so we have four "Batmen" in all. Amazing how some cloth can provide hours of creative entertainment.

I have been personally benefitting from squishing my toes around in the warm wet sand, gazing at the stars at midnight and taking long walks along the shore. L loves the sand, so much so that she had it in her diaper the next day. She had eaten several handfuls of the stuff. Yuck.
I have also discovered that the ocean is a great place for "yawping," although I haven't felt the need since being here. The white noise of the crashing waves drowns any other loud noises quite well. I remembered this when trying to call out to K from the shore, and of course he couldn't hear me.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Psalm 17

This morning I saught comfort in the scriptures, but wasn't sure where to look. I just flipped it open as I sometimes do and came upon these words:
vs. 6-9

"I am praying to you because I know you will answer, O God. Bend down and listen as I pray. Show me your unfailing love in wonderful ways. You save with your strength those who seek refuge from their enemies. Guard me as the apple of your eye. Hide me in the shadow of your wings. Protect me from wicked people who attack me, from murderous enemies who surround me."

One more day until the beach!

The family "party" was tolerable. M liked his CD, spoon rest and cigars. D loves his playmobil pirate ship! That makes it all worth while. Resisting M's advances requires all my strength and self control, and I have been too tired to do that today. I have put up with more than I have wanted, but at least I didn't cave completely. He admits it is harder to keep away from me since he is living here. It makes sense for him to go. I need to stop feeling guilty about it. I need to get on with my own life without his psychosis.

Friday, September 10, 2004

Feeling sick

I hope this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach is the result of my turbulent emotions and not something else. I can't bear to be sick again. (Mononucleosis put me out of commission for the whole month of July this summer.) I am noticing some other more personal symptoms from the stress too. My body is just as unhappy as my mind right now. I have felt like throwing up all day. I hate this day. One more to go before we leave for the beach. What a respite that will be. Just what the doctor ordered: beach therapy. Hurricane or not, it will be better than this.

Thursday, September 09, 2004

Happy boys pic


Happy boys pic


not sleeping

Tonight M continues to test my patience and sanity. Having been clear for three whole days about his decision to leave, he is once again feeling those old "feelings". I have done pretty well holding him at bay, but tonight it got the best of me. He was sitting at my computer which is next to the bed checking his email. Exausted from the day, I flopped down on the bed, hoping for a few minutes of rest while I waited to get online. Almost instantly in a playful spirit, M tried to tackle me. I managed to get out of the way just in time and burst into tears. How long must I endure this, Oh, Lord? I know that M's intentions were not to upset me. That is how blind he is to what he is doing, to all the pain he is inflicting. He assured me that he would never force himself on me, and that he was being playful. That flirting with me is an old habit which is hard to break. I could tell you what I'd like to break, but I am a lady, so I will keep that to myself.
While I was up nursing L in the middle of the night tonight. M slipped into my bed. When I returned, I saw the lump of his outline in the dark, and told him to get out. He said he wanted to talk, to be close to me. I said I wanted to sleep, so GO. He left reluctantly. And now I can't sleep.
It is 3:41am, do you know where my sanity is?
Today is M's birthday. I had a really tough time finding the right gift this year. One friend of mine suggested I give him belly button lint, but I thought that would be too intimate. I can think of a number of things I want to give him, but they wouldn't constitute as gifts. Tomorrow we will have our family birthday celebration for M and D. This will be the last time I have to play this charade, so I hope. The children and I will leave for the beach on Saturday morning for a week of rest and peace and fun. When we return, life will be different.

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

The tracks of my tears

Much personal turmoil going on. A chapter ends and a new one begins.

People say I'm the life of the party...but take a good look at my face. You'll see my smile looks out of place. If you look closer it's easy to trace the tracks of my tears.

Today while shopping at Superfresh for Labor Day picnic foodstuffs (for my small-group bible study this evening), I heard the old Smokey Robinson song, "Tracks of my tears." How ironic that that song has been stuck in my head since. As I was getting ready to go to this cookout, I was crying over the past week's events, but mostly over today's big one. M has admitted to me that he would "work his ass off to get his PhD, but he won't even go to counseling to save his marriage". For him to finally admit that this is about him not wanting marriage (no matter how wonderful I am) with me, is ground breaking. He admitted that I should hold him to that condition of going to counseling if he ever changes his mind again. He is moving out. Our divorce is imminent. I am grieving the loss, but I have assurance from my heavenly Father that I am taken care of, and I will be alright. Somehow I have peace. It is like when my sister committed suicide when I was sixteen and I was so distressed. From nowhere, the Holy Spirit descended upon me in a wave of peace and I knew I would be okay no matter how badly I felt at the moment. God is always surprising us like that. He continues to give us glimpses of hope in the midst of the hardest trials. For this I am thankful.

Monday, September 06, 2004

a place to yawp

I am beginning a new quest. The quest to find a place for a good, loud, barabaric yawp. I have much to yawp about and it is building within me. Last night after M's third change of heart this week and had to go for a drive. (Gin tastes better with Tom Collin's, and I was all out , and desperately needed a strong drink). On my way home from the store, I spontaneously decided to not go right home, but just drive a bit. I really needed to scream, to let out my pent up frustration and aggression. So I just cranked up the music and belted out two loud roars. It hurt my throat. I was a little disappointed. I thought that I would feel better after, but not so much. I envisioned standing on a hill top and screaming and hearing it echo all around me for minutes, like you see in the movies when someone's true love dies. I don't know where that place is. That place you can go and scream and people won't be calling the cops. But that is troublesome, because what if something bad happened and I screamed and no one knew to come help? Ah, a connundrum. It reminds me of the age old question, "If a tree falls in a forest..."

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Spiders in the tub

It has begun. The season of spiders. Every year around this time I find spiders almost daily in my bathtub and elsewhere in the house. This morning while taking a shower, I reached over for my mamoth bottle of salon shampoo that cost way too much, squirted out a palmful and as I placed it back in the corner, I noticed a spider an inch from my hand. EEEK! I managed not to freak out, that could be quite dangerous in a slippery shower, and I had just begun to lather. As I set down the bottle, it moved. The spider (about the size of a pinky fingernail) was crawling up the slippery shower wall. I almost broke into the song the eensy weensy spider, but at the time it didn't seem so eensy. It would crawl up a few inches and then slide down again, and continued to do this. I was actually impressed by its persistence.
Yesterday, while shaking out the slipcover I had hanging out to dry, a spider landed on my bare foot and started to climb up my leg underneath my pants. It was quite safe to freak out this time, so I did, beautifully. I must have been a sight. Shaking my pant leg for all it was worth, stomping up and down, making noises of disgust.
We actually had a couple spiders living in a jar on my kitchen windowsill that the boys had captured and wanted to watch spin webs. They are dead now, but still in the jar. It is good to have boys who love spiders, it helps me appreciate the amazingness of them. Actually, I am fascinated by them, but at the same time I am grossed out by all those legs and eyes, and they move so irradically. I don't mind watching them behind the safety of glass. I am quite brave then when I know they can't touch me. So now that my boys aren't afraid of them anymore (I once had to pretend that they didn't freak me out just so they wouldn't get scared), maybe they can catch and release the ones we will be finding each day in the tub. Where they come from, I have no idea. It is like the mecca of all spiders: "We must journey to the bathtub, and there we will await the giant who takes us to the great beyond." Flush.

Friday, September 03, 2004

Tonight I sailed into the sunset

I sent an email to my "sisters", my gal pals, who I've either known since forever, or my new close Christian sisters telling them my sad news that M has made his choice, and it is to go. I expressed in this email that I needed to not be alone tonight and tomorrow night while M is at a Lakota tribal sweat with his friend. I am so blessed to have several friends offer to spend time with me. Tonight some bible study friends invited me and the kids to go sailing on their boat with them and another family. It was perfect. The air was sweet and not too warm, the breeze was not too breezy, just perfect. I got to watch the whole sunset from start to finish. Something I am quite fond of, but haven't done for I don't know how long--too long. It may be surprising that it could be so peaceful with nine children and six adults on board, but it was. No one even fell overboard, although one (not mine) kid got beamed a couple times by the boom and a few others bumped their noggins at one time or another. I am convinced that it is near impossible to be stressed out in while sailing on such a fine evening, especially if you don't have to do any of the work. The sound of the water lapping up against the sides of the boat, the breeze, the vibrant display of color in the clouds all soothe away the frown marks on my face and I can even smile. God did this. I am always so greatly impressed by nature, by God's design in His creation, it draws me to him every time. It is like a sanctuary for me.
Now I am home. I had to carry each child individually into the house and ready them for bed while they continued to sleep from the car ride. They are now all tucked away into their beds, maybe they will dream of the sunset we shared tonight. I hope so, I hope I do too.