Thursday, September 09, 2004

not sleeping

Tonight M continues to test my patience and sanity. Having been clear for three whole days about his decision to leave, he is once again feeling those old "feelings". I have done pretty well holding him at bay, but tonight it got the best of me. He was sitting at my computer which is next to the bed checking his email. Exausted from the day, I flopped down on the bed, hoping for a few minutes of rest while I waited to get online. Almost instantly in a playful spirit, M tried to tackle me. I managed to get out of the way just in time and burst into tears. How long must I endure this, Oh, Lord? I know that M's intentions were not to upset me. That is how blind he is to what he is doing, to all the pain he is inflicting. He assured me that he would never force himself on me, and that he was being playful. That flirting with me is an old habit which is hard to break. I could tell you what I'd like to break, but I am a lady, so I will keep that to myself.
While I was up nursing L in the middle of the night tonight. M slipped into my bed. When I returned, I saw the lump of his outline in the dark, and told him to get out. He said he wanted to talk, to be close to me. I said I wanted to sleep, so GO. He left reluctantly. And now I can't sleep.
It is 3:41am, do you know where my sanity is?
Today is M's birthday. I had a really tough time finding the right gift this year. One friend of mine suggested I give him belly button lint, but I thought that would be too intimate. I can think of a number of things I want to give him, but they wouldn't constitute as gifts. Tomorrow we will have our family birthday celebration for M and D. This will be the last time I have to play this charade, so I hope. The children and I will leave for the beach on Saturday morning for a week of rest and peace and fun. When we return, life will be different.