Monday, November 22, 2004

Art therapy

I have always thought of myself as an even-tempered, generally patient, mostly calm person....
But every so often, I just lose it. In the past ten years, it probably has only happened a handful of times. This phenomenon is referred to by the psychological profession as "leaking". I am not quite sure why "leaking" is the term, when it actually feels more like bursting or exploding, but this is what they call it. It is the result of "unresolved or old anger" and the reason it is unresolved or old, I am guessing, is because it is left inside and not expressed in some way or another.

Friday night, I drew a very surreal landscape. I had been advised to draw more, because as an "I" (introvert) this is how I process things, so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I didn't know what to draw, so I just started "doodling" on this huge sheet of paper (props to Tree :) , and it evolved into a kind of landscape. When I am not drawing from life/observation, my images tend to get surreal. This influence I attibute to Dali and Munch (even though he is an abstract expressionist-my work sometimes mocks his style and/or mood). So after I was finished, I stepped back and looked at what I had done... Tree analyzed it for me, and I came up with another interpretation which built on that one. Needless to say it has much to do with my present situation, and it is too personal for me to write at any length here, but the effect was great.

The next day I dreamed. In this dream, it all came crashing down, exploding from me with such force that I was surprised to be whole at the end of it all. I ranted, and screamed and hollered and wailed and cried and waved my arms and pounded my fists in such a fury at M, and he was nonplussed. There was no getting through to him, hardened like a wall of clay, (which I guess will one day come crumbling down). Anyway, it was such a relief to dream this outburst, because it helped me to see my own rage, and feel the benefit of letting it all out without hurting anyone. I think the drawing opened this up for me, so perhaps I do need to draw more. I aim to.