why bother?

Lately I've been trying to decide if I still want to keep blogging. I feel like it's lost it's importance to me, having been replaced by, well, nothing really. I'm just not sure why I blog anymore. The reasons and motivations have changed over the past few years. Perhaps it's just a slump... or perhaps I'm just feeling like everything in my life these days is futile.... it must be the winter.

It is hard to feel motivated to do much around here, knowing that I'm the only one who will notice. Maybe I need to remind myself that I'm worth it, but it's not really that. It's not that I don't feel worthy of a clean, tidy house... it's that the work, the tiresome, repetitive work of maintenance goes unnoticed, unappreciated and only gets messed up again within minutes. Mopping the kitchen floor seems an invitation to spills, changing the bed linens seems an invitation to "accidents" in the night, putting all the toys away only stimulates more creative play at which time, everything comes back out again, and cooking interesting food just produces extra dirty dishes and frowns around the table. "Why can't we have___________ instead?"

So I push the boulder up the hill once more, only to watch it roll back down again.
After rereading that post from Christmas past, I am somewhat encouraged by my own musings and those writings I quoted in that post, and now I remember why I do this blog thing... to remind myself why I do any of it at all.

All for Jesus!
All for Jesus!
All my being's ransomed powers:
All my thoughts, and words and doings,
all my days and all my hours.*

Winter's Last Hurrah

It would figure that the day after I planted pansies, we would get lambasted by a wintery mix of weather. Last night after some consideration, I decided to venture out into the storm to get a movie. Four wheel drive? No, two foot walk. It took me about an hour and a half to walk a little over a mile, select a movie, and trudge back home. Considering that I've spent close to 45 minutes contemplating movie choices in the past, it wasn't so bad. This time I knew what I was after: Project Runway. MK recommended it, I watched disc one of season one last week and was hoping to get disc two, but Blockbuster wasn't carrying season one so I skipped on to disc one of season two. I had a jump hem on a jacket to do by hand while I watched and ooh, it was good. I think I'm hooked. Although I can't help sympathizing with the anxiety some of the designers face. It reminds me very much of college, bizarre, open ended projects to do with unusual criteria. I find watching Project Runway inspiring though. I especially like watching the processes the designers go through. I'm also a little intimidated by what these people can do... I'm mostly self-taught, and I'm not sure why I didn't pursue fashion in college. I think it's a bit too cut-throat for my personality. I'm not a competitive person, but now I see what kind of skills these designers have and I wish I had taken classes when I had the chance. One more thing to add to the to do list: take design classes.

Black Current L.L. Bean Comfort boots: $39.95
Two videos at Blockbuster: $8.38
Watching the snow fall against the black night sky while my feet stayed not only dry (after sloshing through several deep puddles of slush) but warm: Priceless

Weird Science

My friend Debbie said if I put snowballs in the bath water they will fizz like alka-seltzer. So I wonder, if I put my whole freaking snowman in the tub, will it be like a whirlpool?

Black Wednesday

I got myself a man today, on Valentine's Day. Granted he's a little frosty and he's useless indoors, (OK, he's useless outdoors too) but he's mine, all mine.

And here's a poem for today.

Updated: Poems are for interpreting. Perhaps we read a bit of ourselves into them instead of reading them for what they are really about. I've had a few responses to this one I linked. I posted it, because I know what it's like to love someone and wish I didn't. Most of my separation/divorce was like that. I continued to love my ex almost against my will. Sometimes we want to stay angry and we know our own weaknesses, the power the one we love has over us, so we need to turn away because (perhaps) we need (or just want) to be angry for a while. I'm sure there are plenty of other interpretations, but that was what I got out of it. I, by no means, prescribe saving oneself from love. Love is risky, I know that as well as anyone, but I embrace love. I'm just not a fan of Valentine's Day.