Saturday, December 01, 2007

Nothing Spectacular

I've been reflective lately. Autumn has that effect on me. It's something about the way the sunlight flickers through the wind blown leaves, casting shadows and dancing orbs of light on the floor. I could watch this for hours just thinking about things.

Lately my thoughts dwell on my imperfections and the great shortcomings I'm noticing in myself. I wonder why my passions don't always align with my beliefs and vice-versa. (I am praying for more continuity in these things.) I'm wanting to be better at what God has called me to be, and I'm still trying to discern what I'm supposed to do with this life I've been given. I continue to feel tension between believing home schooling to be the best option for my children, and a desire to have them in school so I can pursue meaningful, full time, gainful employment to be a better financial provider. (This could just be a pride vs humility thing.) It seems that whenever this doubt grows to the point of where I'm on the cusp of acting on it, some sort of encouragement comes from an unexpected source. That usually gives me enough momentum to carry on another day or week or month until the doubt wells up again.

Today, while the kids were with their dad, I got to sleep in after a late night of swing dancing and apres diner chow down. I managed to do the grocery shopping, run an errand, do some housework and get dinner underway before my munchkins came home.

As we sat down to dinner, my heart was bursting with love for those three little people... just seeing their faces around the table, having them home safe again... "I love you guys," I said hoping that it sinks in all the way down to those hard places inside of them that will surface in the next five to ten years. I don't ever want to take that for granted. It makes me think of that scene from "Our Town" when whats-her-face gets to go back and see one day of her life. She's told to pick an ordinary day, because that will be hard enough. It was an ordinary moment, but I shall treasure it.

The children didn't like what I had prepared for dinner which I thought was one of their favorite dishes. I guess their tastes have changed since last time I fixed cranberry meat balls and rice. Oh well. When I asked them what they had eaten today at their dad's, they said, "Cereal, bacon and cheese. ...Oh and smoothies." Yep, that's him alright. Their father thinks of bacon as "the pink vegetable." So I didn't force them to eat the meal. They had some carrots and fruit to make up for the forgotten food group and we were all content.